panic attacks suck

  December 12th, 2017 by lovvely

hey, me again.

I wanted to thank all the people who commented yesterday, it was beyond sweet of everyone who did.

 

So, heads up, this will be a long one.

 

In the past week I’ve had at least three panic attacks and it’s been awful. In the past two weeks, I’ve had five or more, I’ve lost count at this point.

I’ve lost all relationships at this point. My friends hate me, my peers ignore me, and so do my loved ones.

I started to cut myself and think of suicide around the end of grade five, and now I’m in grade eight, and ever since, my thoughts have just gone up, and the cuts deeper. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety around the beginning of summer, and I only wished I had been earlier. I know this is super goddamn dumb, but around the 3rd of April, I broke up with my now ex. It was a lot on it’s own because I felt a lot towards them, but later that day my ill grandad died. It was by far the worst day of my life, and I feel like if I knew sooner, it would’ve prevented my breakup, making things a lot less worse then they are now.

 

On top of all that, my suicidal thoughts have been causing me a lot of grief as of the late. I’ve been cutting almost everyday, and crying all the time. I am now on my third antidepressant, but nothing seems to work. I’m helpless.

I think the worst part of it is that the people I consider my “friends” don’t help and just bully me and call me ugly, dumb, fat, and a weight on people’s shoulders, which is probably my biggest insecurity.

I just think I ruin everything for everyone. I am a weight on people’s shoulders. All I do is cause stress and pain, I’m useless. Everyone would be better off without me in their lives. I never make people happy, and if I left, sure people would be sad, but it would be temporary. In a few years, no one would care. People would move on. The world will keep turning if a mistake like me just dies. I need to die. I must.

I have nothing. I’m a piece of shit.

Now, excuse me, for talking about this is bringing another panic attack on.

 

Note: panic attacks suck

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