December 11th, 2017 by dietcigarette

today was the first day in awhile where i hadn’t felt like complete garbage. i saw some friends i hadn’t seen since high school; we hung out and had a good time. it was nice.

then, of course, the bad thoughts return and i feel like dying again. they never really go away i guess, but just get pushed back. i wish i could keep them pushed back all the time, but i’m also scared of who i’d be without them. it’s dumb, but recovery freaks me out because i don’t know who i’d be not anxious and depressed. i have an inkling, ’cause the pills i’m on have made me a bit more functional, but i’m still not sure.

i guess today’s bad feelings are somewhat because of a friend – not one i was with today – who keeps coming to me with his problems. i feel like/know he’s using me as a therapist, but he either doesn’t want to acknowledge that it’s a lot for me to handle, or he just doesn’t care. he’s stop censoring himself regarding rape and self-harm, both of which are tough topics for me. today after my friends left he called, and went on this teary rant about how his life sucks and how he has no friends and etc etc. i just listened, and apparently that wasn’t enough, because i’m supposed to know how to make friends and how to deal with life in general.

so now he’s mad at me for being unsympathetic, as he put it.

oh well, i guess. i can’t help everyone.

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