sleepless…again

  December 3rd, 2017 by Urm8451n

there is that girl who likes me.

She is fine, I guess.

But I’m not planning any relationship soon, especially with my life being controlled by my parent.

I wanted to know, do you think I should as her out for some kind of meeting and from there to go where ever it takes (no commitment whatsoever)?

 

I can’t have a relationship right now because I’ve a lot of problems.

I like to think it is temporary, and well,  yeah, I’m just 21. But I also think that if it will keep on going, 30 will be my highest age alive.  (you can say I’m blessed with durability).

 

I understood that I can’t keep on social connections and that I’m ought to work or study all the time, so what’s the point?

 

“you can’t pause your life for 5 years and expecting when coming back, you will just blend in”

I’m already a dead man relatively speaking.  I’m an outcast. Because I lack the spare time, money, energy and social connections,  that everyone else have.

Unsurprisingly,  I can’t sleep.

 

When I was 9 I was mentally abused.

for 3-5-7 years I guess.

I remember how void I felt. How empty.

How sadistic and envying revenge I was.

I felt nothing,as if no pain, no sadness, not happiness, not joy. I was plain dead from the inside.  And that’s how I did my best.

But then I started opening up, sharing stories, feeling emotions.

and right now, I feel I should go back to the same void person I used to be…

 

What do you think?

I find it as the best solution before suicide.

Regards, jac.

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