I wasn’t sure how. I was just sure when. I had no intent to see in the new year, alone, at midnight. So I was going to do it a little before midnight.
But I reached my limit today. I have lost everything, every dream I lived for. Everything is gone.
So I did a test run, just to see if my method would work. I do not want to go tonight, I’m making sure I have my affairs in order first.
My eyes started to close, and the sounds became distant and then it was silent. I stopped. I still need to do certain things. But I felt no fear. No panic. It was peaceful.
I have written a letter to my family. I have sent him an email, apologising – everything that has gone wrong with us is his fault, but I aplogised anyway. It will be a while before he realises why I said I was sorry. But he will be okay, he has someone in his life who isn’t me. I am too tired to go on, and I am absolutely sure in my decision. I have said goodbye to people, without them knowing what I was really saying. Not one of these people have taken my depression seriously. Not one of them has listened to me when I have said I need help. Somehow, they made my feelings all about them, and what they want.
I’m at peace with my decision. I’m okay with leaving this world. Four failed attempts, I’ll be seeing in the new year from the other side.
4 comments
how old are you if i might ask?
I could have written this same thing, and already have,,,, may I suggest you try taking to me ,,,, I think we have a lot on common here,,, a lot….
you can reach me at tgrfshy at yahoo (dot) com
I’m scared of the holidays because all the f*gs get off on receiving little gifts and will spend the whole night doing despicable things…. I’m like wait til they enjoy their Christmas screw or kill myself before the holiday? I’d rather not be around for that… that’s when I decided better do it now!!! Got off my ass today and finalized a few things.