What does that make me?

  December 15th, 2017 by Jean-bean102

What am I for? What is my purpose for be here? I am not happy to be alone with myself again. I feel annoy to be alone with myself. I do not enjoy myself. I hate myself. I already know that fact since I was 8 or so year old. I have that strong self hatred since then. At 13 year old, I tried to drown myself. It was a beautiful way to try to die. But, I remember a emotion, anger, change my mind. I was angry with myself for not be strong enough for my family. So I decide to become more harsh on myself and criticize myself every hours of days in my head. I experience emotional abuse almost everyday one on one for 9 years. I told myself this is only way to survive the abuse or it will get physical like it did happen to other student. I end up believe the abuser’s word about myself for long time as well. So, my thoughts that keep me survive through it get thing twist around along with abuser’s word. I believed I am worthless. I believed I am truly ugly and gross human being. I believed I am slow and dumb. I believed I am weak and powerless. I believed that my abuser know what is best for me. I believed that the abuser did it out of kindness because I am hopeless child that need help. Ofc, later in my life when thing start to get better for me. I am aware that those are untrue about me. But it is still there in my head. How I wish I could escape from my own mind. I don’t think I experience positive thing or able to realize the love around me often. Each day I have to worry about lot of thing to keep abuser happy, my family happy, and my friend’s happiness. I can’t see myself as real human being yet in the mirror sometimes.

So what does that make me?

 

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