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Who else is planning meticulously and why?

by lonely87

My husband completed in July…. he planned it meticulously, no idea for how long… this is what he did.

6 weeks prior to his death, he wiped all the messages on his FRIEND’s phone from him.

3 weeks prior to his death, he backed up all his photos online.

Some time prior to his death, most likely in the days leading up to it, he wrote a note, and a long list of alleged abuse I’d done to him. He took the time to google the correct spellings and grammar, he didn’t rush it.

In the week leading up to his death, at some point he retrieved his driving licence from my purse (I had it as we’d used it on holiday abroad) for ID purposes when he was found. I believe he did this a few days before he died.

He set reminders on his phone to remind him to get his licence, wipe his GPS etc (he has a terrible memory!)

He secretly stashed away £1300 in cash that I didn’t know about.

On the day he chose, he left work early with a reasonable excuse to make sure he got to the shop on time to collect his equipment.

He purchased his equipment using eBay, changing his password to prevent me noticing as we shared the account though I rarely used it. He collected the items in person, approximately 45 miles from our home. On his way, his friend phoned him and he told him he was going for a drive and would see him the next day (knowing he wouldn’t).

I can’t account for what he did from 5pm-10.00pm.

At 10.30pm he deactivated facebook, went through his emails etc, signed out of the apps and took his passcode off his iPhone. Wiped all his browsing history and anything incriminating.

At 11.45pm he drove to the place he chose to die, scoped out the car park and drove off. He wiped his GPS.

At 1.15am he went back to the car park. Sent me his final email. Took his life. Left the notes on the seat next to him.

At 6.00am he was found.


Anyone else plan so meticulously, and why?

His method was chosen because it was guaranteed, quick and painless – but everything else seems so calculated and unnecessary. Surely if he was desperate he’d just do it? Why would he care if he wiped his GPS or not? There was nothing to hide.

The only thing I can think of is he knew I would obsess and piece it all together, and he was angry at me, so he did all this to hurt me, and make my OCD go mad.

It just doesn’t sound desperate it sounds planned and calculated.


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iceberg 12/12/2017 - 6:19 pm

I’m a planner. Was before (failed) and still am.

It’s not fair for your husband to have blamed you, that demonstrates a lack of maturity, which may have been part of his problem. No one is perfect, not you and not him.

I am 100% against rash suicide decisions because feelings change. All I can tell you is that your husband wanted to end. Maybe he couldn’t find his own way. Maybe he was a heartless jerk. I have no idea.

I’m planning because I cannot afford to fail. I am truly sorry for you loss, but understand, he made this choice on his own.

iceberg 12/12/2017 - 6:23 pm

He probably wiped his phone either to keep you from driving yourself nuts reading into things, or, more likely, in a symbolic effort to erase his existence.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/12/2017 - 7:27 pm

I don’t want to be remembered so I delete everything kind of like no proof you were ever there. Although I am a young girl. But I planned three years ago things like cancel Netflix cause of course they would keep charging each month 10$ or whatever and I would no longer be there to use it, cancel emails so someone can’t hack in and read about whatever you said to whoever you said or what forums you might have written on, clear all data from computer so like no one can go through and see your photos or music or whatever… clear facebook so after you die everyone doesn’t rush to your profile to check out what you had posted on there and judge you. Throw out pictures of yourself you don’t want so you only leave what you’d want them to have leftover, throw out yearbooks so no one can be looking at your class and other personal items such as diaries, journals, scrapbooks. It’s basically just not leaving any string left untied.

I’m sorry.

Beeeeeeeee 12/13/2017 - 1:03 am

I have wanted to die since I was a young teen (~12 y/o) I’m currently almost 24. I have never really told anyone about any mental health issues that I have. I’ve always just put a smile on my face and tried to be normal. People always say I look very happy, bubbly and peaceful. If they only knew what goes on in my head on a daily basis. I’m planning meticulously because I really don’t want to hurt anyone else, I just don’t want to exist anymore. In detail:
1: I don’t want anyone to know I killed myself because foolishly, I want them to keep their ideal vision of me intact. I feel like if people know I killed myself, they will reevaluate all our interactions come to think I was weak and pathetic. (But I feel that way on the inside anyways, so moot point?)
2: I don’t want to embarrass my family/father. He’s a mental health professional so I don’t want him to look bad in front of clients/others or ask himself why he didn’t see it. I also have had a pretty sheltered and comfortable life. I guess I’m also ashamed that I’m so unhappy/hopeless when I know so many people would love to be where I am.
3: I don’t want to hurt my older sister. I don’t want her to feel that I have abandoned her. I don’t want her to think that her previous attempt encouraged me or gave me an example
4: I don’t want the people who have invested so much in my education to feel angry or that I am ungrateful. I am so indebted to them that the thought of them knowing I killed myself makes me feel ashamed.
5: Some methods freak me out because they sound really painful. I don’t want the last few moments of my life to be in pain.

These 5 points leave me only two options – one that would be very painless, but would result in others knowing what I have done. The other, potentially very painful (I will try to mitigate with alcohol) but may be seen as a foolish mistake on my part that led to an unfortunate, and most importantly, accidental death. At the end of the day, I think I may prefer to save face and choose the painful one. Or I may get to a point where I don’t care who knows I killed myself. I’ll see which comes first.

TL;DR – I am planning because I want a painless way to die but also keep the fact that I killed myself secret.

a1957 12/13/2017 - 10:50 am

My meticulous plans were made long ago. They are excellent. Like the poster above, I have a list of must haves/can’t stands that have to be met. That said, I am in therapy and might survive long enough to die by some socially accepted hideous natural means. The primary reasons for meticulous planning, should it be called upon, are to avoid pain and any real chance of survival. Poor planning is not an option given those two requirements and a few others.

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