Yet to given the fuck up

I was never the suicidal type, or self harming.
I used to deal with my problems with counting time, and planning on to pass it somehow, just as if I’ll find a way to pass it on, it will and must to – have an end. And this method dates back to when I was only 4 years old.
I never felt quite fit to socialize with others, I always felt different urges. I was more aggressive, but kept it to myself. I was always more sensible and could notice others’ intentions.

And I still am.   Back in my first years on this earth, I only learned how to “act” right, and how to fit.
How to “feel” even tho I was empty set, I had nothing inside of me beside this burning fire of envy and revenge.

I always dream on, and plan my moves. But lately it has been really harsh. I’m alone in this battle, and it is really tough. I’m not afraid to stand on my own, because I always was used to deal with life alone. I never spoke to a person about my problems, never specified anything, and mostly share nothing around me .
Anyway back to the subject – I’m breaking down.
I really want to have a girlfriend, but I’m both emotionless and both have a really complicated life at the moment.
I know it all will get to an end in another 4 years, when I will graduate and work the best I can.

But untill that time, I’m keeping to getting broken, again and again.   I dont have time to spend with friends or with myself, I don’t have money, I don’t have spare time for anything, and I’m suffering abdominal pains.

Sometimes I wonder, why wouldn’t I kill myself?
“Happily” instantly, when I think aobut it, I’m fulfilled with anger, remembering how I was left alone in this fucking battle by my father, and how he messed my family’s life up, and how my grandfather and other family memebers are fucking psychos.

I want to put the end to that loss of control.
I don’t want anyone to be where I was, and how I was raised.
I don’t want people to be worried if they have food for tonight or not, I don’t want people to be pushed around.
I really believe that people should be physically punished if they are trying to mess with the weak.

This might be funny, but what happened in this post, is that my “self protective mechanism” has been activated.
Each time I fill a bit suicidal, or depressed, I go through few steps:

1. thinking about why am I here.

2. remembering who gave up/didn’t believe in me/let me rot / harmed me.

3. I’m starting to get mad, and starting to fill astonish motivation for revenge.

4. I pick myself up, and does 2x times  of the best I know.

I will not give up this time. Atleast not today.
I hope to finish my plan of graduation and hope I will have the chance to fix my life.

If I would succeed so, I would be able to help others.

Anyway, sorry for the boring post. Your friend, Jac.
Stay strong, and be brave.

update: started talking with that girl mentioned in my other posts. Will update later