3 a.m.

another

sleepless

night

my windows are open again, even though it’s much colder than the other night.

there’s a loud silence in the room.

do you remember ever feeling happy? I know at some point I must’ve been, even in just small moments. that counts, right? fleeting still happened.

i must’ve been happy as a child, in Disney world with my grandmother. I know it happened but I barely remember it

I imagine I was happy when I visited my best friend in New York City for my birthday last summer, and returned only two months later on an impromptu I-gotta-get-outta-here trip. I say that i love New York City but I don’t really recall being there.

i know for a fact that I was happy when I laid in bed with you, looking into your eyes, and feeling completely engulfed in your love. I know that when i very first met you, I was light and in love, instantly. and for years following, and even now, my heart is yours. and every single moment I spent with you I was extremely happy. I felt unstoppable. I felt confident. I was carefree. I was happy. I swear to god I was happy. but not anymore.

in a few weeks, it will be the two year mark of when you fell into your coma. which means that in a few months, it will be two years since you would never wake up from your coma, when you just slipped out right from under us, with no warning. almost two years since I have felt happy. almost two years since I have been sure of anything. every day for the last (almost) two years I have felt unbearable pain and loneliness. every morning when I wake up, my once full and happy heart breaks more and more. every day I remember that you are not here anymore, and that I very well may never feel happiness ever again.