I actually have a pretty good life. I go to a nice university (paid for by parents), have a nice car (paid for by parents), girlfriend of several years I am more than happy with. I’m involved a lot on campus, have good enough grades, and lately I have been getting job offers left and right.
Don’t know why I feel so empty. Sure I am good at faking my ambition to appease my parents, but truly I feel I have no purpose. I get home at night, and I just spend all of my time getting drunk and planning my suicide. I’ve attempted several times by now. Some severe enough to go to the hospital (I didn’t), yet nobody knows that about me. None of my friends, not my girlfriend, nobody.
I’ve been getting pretty serious about it lately though. I have June 1st set. During winter break, I was told by my dad that I am a complete failure at life and I bring shame to the family name. He usually says stuff like that, but for some reason it hit me a little harder this time. At the end of his talk, he said that I need to be a “changed man” (I think he was referencing my Freshmen 15) by June 1st. I was thinking of a suicide on the brutal side. One that would change my physical appearance, and make me a changed man.
I’ve also come very close to faking my death. As close as meeting with fake-death document forgers. I have enough money saved up to execute my faked death plan as well. I realize posting about faking my death on a public blog kinda ruins that plan (cops would trace it back to me somehow) but at this point I am pretty sure I am sticking with my June 1st plan.
Just don’t understand why I feel so empty all of the time. It has been this way since I was 8 years old (11 years by now). During Jr. High, I opened up to my parents about my obsession with suicide but soon realized that was not the route I was looking for. As far as everybody else knows, I am a young ambitious business major with a bright future. I’ve gotten really good at playing the part. Not really looking for feedback on this post, I was just feeling particularly pathetic tonight. I would rather express my feelings on a website where nobody knows me than make this a issue amongst the people that know me.
9 comments
Wow nice life. But your lacking of something, there’s something causing you to be down.
At this point I think it is a part of me. I can’t imagine what life would be like without it.
try talking to your girlfriend seriously about this all…..
You have nothing to lose…. if she loves you, she will ramp up her desires to help you in any way she can.
My wife just up and left…. even before I tried.,,
I’m sure she would listen and do anything to help me. Beyond that, I have a great support system through friends that would love to help me.
I just don’t think it is something that is meant to be solved. I’ve been through all the therapists, meds, and people that try to help. No point in continuing to burden others with this problem that is a part of me.
Also, I am sorry to hear about your wife. I hope all turns out well for you.
as someone older on this site, I have the “benefit” of having gone through much of what a lot of people here have and are….
Because of that, I rarely talk, but when I do,. I will give specific advice in a serious way when I am sure it can and/or will help.
My advice to you… really… do your best to focus on the good,,,, if you have the support system,,,, those sincere people will care and go out of their way for you…. and won’t see it as a burden… and for any who might not,,, well… its like pulling weeds…. don’t cry after them, just let them go.
Your girlfriend is first choice…. I am sure you are closer to her than anyone else,, if you are like me,, it is how it is. You will begin to see how people care…
In my case… well, a horror for a wife I had, yes,,, and if you read my recent posts about how I want to end it,,, I did, and still do, yet recently I have a new outlook because I met someone who I I like, and she obviously feels it too….
Dunno what the future will bring, if anything,,, but each day can bring a new hope, for you too…. seriously.
Thank you for your advice, Foundhappiness. I’ll try opening up more to others. Just something I really struggle with.
I have read your post and I am glad you have found somebody new to help you cope with your struggles!
So you want to kill yourself because your parents “own” you (financially) and they can use this control over you to make you feel worse through emotional abuse?
Don’t kill yourself, just get a job, and stop asking for their assistance, and pay your way through school. Or drop out if you don’t like it, and do something different.
We go through so many psychological phases in our lifetime. You will realize this eventually. Your mindset will change in time, and you will think of other things.
Even if you consider suicide occasionally, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. This happens to a lot of people who suffer from mild to severe depression, but they keep living. They experience good times and bad times, but nothing stays the same, so the “bad times” don’t either. So why kill yourself when life is so unpredictable, and six months from now you might be feeling fantastic with great opportunities? Even in a few weeks from now. You never know.
Thing is I am not asking for their assistance. It is forced on me. I have tried to pay for all of this myself and have gotten in huge fights over it. They have made it their life goal to “provide everything for me.” I just feel owned 24/7.
It’s not a phase either. Why would I be going through suicide attempts for ten years if it were a phase?
I know other people go through this too, doesn’t change my position.
Thank you for your comment
I agree as well. I think you should tell her. I finally told my wife about my tendencies and she has been more understanding with things. Before I would just hide them and I still do to a point. I haven’t told her that I tried because that scares me to tell her that I did.