death seems very calming and appealing to me these times… i’ve always never been in a good relationship with people – friends, family, girlfriend, etc… i never wanted to hurt anyone but i always end up inflicting pain just about on everyone who comes in contact with me. i’ve tried hard to be a good person but it seems like every effort i make is hopeless. i’m 30 now and have been living with anxiety disorder since childhood. i don’t want to give up but it feels like death is the only way to end all pain on both sides. my mind is split. i cant trust myself. i honestly don’t quite know what is right. i feel no emotions inside of me. i only have aggressive confrontational mood 24×7. i don’t want to be like this. i want to be good, but i honestly don’t know how to do that.
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Well, in my book, you don’t sound like a bad guy. Only if you don’t care or think of how other feels. But in this cause, you do. You do care about other and even tried to make efforts. That make you a good person. Your post catch my eyes, because I have problem with relationship, have anxiety disorder and don’t trust myself as well… I am struggle with that right now and would love to end all pains, both sides, like you said. But..somehow I hang on I guess. I have to focus on myself more than anything lately and increase my confidence which helps a lot. Yes, we all have flaws but it does not mean we are hopeless monsters. We are humans.
30 is too young to die, you have ample room for improving , what if it takes a year ? after you’re the new you, you will forget all that hard time and laugh at it. Only the present will count then.
I’ m not the same person i was 10 years ago, we can change drastically, usually for the better because we self-correct. I hope you’re still living.