Well I was doing well for about a week and a half, kind of well. Decently well. I came home for Christmas and found out my dad just lost his job…again. I think that’s what pushed me down all over again. I can’t stop blaming myself for being a financial burden, since he’s helped me out fixing my laptop screen ($700), splitting lawyer fees ($350), helping me out staying in a hotel for a month (>$1000), and I don’t even want to know how much the outpatient partial hospitalization program thing I was in for a couple weeks costed. I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but my dad’s been out of a job for a year and a half, then had a job for 6 months he actually enjoyed and now they didn’t get the funds they needed in the new year and the company shut down. My dad is 55, going to retire in what, 5 years? 10 years? Who’s going to want to hire him? Fucking blame blame blame blame blame. Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I need all these stupid fucking medications and doctors visits and therapy sessions? At the program I wrote down my three warning signs, and I’ve hit all three of them. I didn’t stay long enough to find coping mechanisms. My ex (on and off for two years, also my best friend through it all), does not want to date, which I get, but it is not very reassuring. I graduate college in six months (if I don’t get suspended thanks to my roommate) and he says we’re not good together, which I know we’re not. But he’s also saying well so what if we meet other people, maybe we’ll be together in 5 years, 10 years, maybe 1 year. He’s really the only main person I have left and I just don’t have the energy to go on much longer. I think I’m so sad it’s been making me physically sick, with a chronic stuffy nose and fire-y throat thanks to the drip, but I am not actually sick through infection. I got one of my really bad stress stomach aches all day today.
- racing thoughts/rumination; and ohh the paranoia (illogical)
- isolation
- insomnia
Don’t know if I’ll be able to ride this one out.
At least I don’t positively know if I’ll starve myself again. Hopefully gonna counteract that by going to the gym and NEEDING to eat in order to work out, but I only gained 5 pounds from being pretty pretty thin and now it’s suddenly like I see myself as gross again, things I can’t even change even though they’re weight related. That’s how I know I’m fucked up.
Wheeeee who cares? Not meeee.
2 comments
You only have six months until you graduate? You have to finish! You will be kicking yourself just like a lot of people on this forum. Including myself! And you know how to get control of your eating problems. I hope. I totally get the job thing with your Dad. My husband just turned 56 and is a carpenter. It’s harder as we get older to get hired for labor. You’re loved and cared for. You’re very fortunate. I know it’s hard to see it from your angle. I wish you all the best!
I would still graduate if I legit failed all my classes next semester, I just might be suspended thanks to my lying attention-seeking (ex-)roommate.