Ending a perfect life

  January 4th, 2018 by Nobodysgirl22

My story is unique, but I’m just like the rest of you: I have no one else to talk to.

7 months ago, my husband was messed up on legal, prescribed painkillers and sleep meds. We had sex, and he didn’t stop when I asked him to. He didn’t do it intentionally, but it happened. I was scared and ashamed, I do NOT EVER want kids and I thought he felt the same way, but under tge influence he admitted that he wanted me to have a child. I was freaked out. I bought a plan B pill and took it ASAP, within hours of sex.

It didn’t work. I realized I was pregnant after 3 months, but I was too scared to tell him until it was too late. I tried to force myself to have a chemically induced miscarriage, but it didn’t work either. I don’t believe in abortion, but the idea of being pregnant and a mother made me very, very suicidal. I hid the pregnancy from everyone else, I’m very fit and active, I train horses for a living. When I became too fat for my jeans, I had visions of stabbing myself, cutting that horrible parasite from my belly.  My husband said he wouldn’t think less of me if I chose abortion, but it was too late by then.

I got too fat to ride, and I got more depressed; my job is what keeps me stable. At 27 weeks, my water broke and I went to the hospital. I was panicked…I could not live with a child in my life, I’d have to give up my job and the horses and the life that I loved. I tried to ask my husband about adoption…to give the baby up to a deserving, loving family…and he blew up at me. “IM NOT GIVING UP MY BABY” he yelled. I was crushed…I cant live with this.

The next day the baby was born, 28 weeks, sent to nicu. I wanted nothing to do with it; the nurses didnt know, kept calling me “mommy” I wanted to puke. They kept pressing me to name her, I said I left that to my husband. I told my hisband in a text I was leaving him, he could keep his daughter, my life was over.

Next tging I know, psychiatrists are on my ass, fishing for something. Apparently they had to make a demonstration for med students on “postpartum depression” and charged me with the Baker Act, sending me to a fucking psych ward 24hrs after delivery. I was still fucking bleeding all over myself, now wearing shoes with no laces, no access to wet wipes, and no contact with my husband, we had not been able to talk together at all.

It was a horrible 3 days, but the psych doctors and nurses saw I wasn’t suicidal, just upset and overwhelmed. I got out, went home and tried to feel better with my husband.

I know he loves me, but I feel so rejected now. The baby cones home in 2 weeks and I just can’t handle it. I have no desire to be a mother, I hate babies, I don’t like kids, I’ve known this since I was 5. I get anxiety just walking past the baby aisle in walmart, before this ever happened. But now it’s awful. I can’t live with seeing that baby everyday, remembering the night my husbabd basically raped me, he has no memory of it. My husband says I’m the love of his life, his best friend, he can’t inagine life without me…but then why won’t he give the baby up?? He is all that I want, all that I need. We had plans and dreams together, fixing up our farm, going to competitions…we can’t live that life with a child. I feel like I’m not good enough for him anymore, that my love for him isn’t enough to make him happy. I feel rejected and lonely. I’ve told him all this, many times the last two weeks. He doesn’t care, he wants the baby and expects me to live with it. I just can’t do that. How do you explain to a child why “mommy” doesn’t pick her up or want her?

I’ve wanted to kill myself so many times this past 2 weeks. To do it in a horse accident, so my husband can tell family and friends and his daughter I died “doing what I loved”. I’ve told him my plans…and part of him wants me to do it. It will make his life easier without me.

But I can’t guarantee I’ll die when I fall off. And truly, I don’t WANT to die…I just want my perfect life back with the man I love more than anything in this world. I would sacrifice EVERYTHING for him…why can’t he do the same for me?

I’ve stood beside hin for 7yrs, through his lies and deception, I’ve helped him turn his life around. He’s grown into a wonderful person over the last 2yrs…and he would make a good father, and I hate to deprive him of that. But he knew kids were not an option for me, I told him when we first met and I haven’t changed. But he has changed…and that’s so unfair. I don’t understand how he wanted me to have an abortion 2 months ago, to cold-blooded murder this baby; but now he loves it more than me?  I feel so lost, facing losing my job, my animals, my husband.  I have not spoken to my parents in 6yrs, I chose my husband over them. I have no close friends, no one to talk to but the love of my life. He has always been enough for me…I just wish I was still enough for him. I wish he would give away this horrible mistake that he made, and make me want to live again.

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