Other times when I have felt suicidal, it has been this urgent, anxiety infused need to escape. But now, I just feel like my will to live is slowly fading away.
I have an amazing friend who offered for me to come live with her and her husband for awhile, while I try to get well.
And I am trying. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I have struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS: Eating disorder not otherwise specified. Which makes me feel like a total failure—good grief, even in my dysfunction I can’t commit to anything). Last week I went the entire week, eating between 1300 to 1500 calories a day. No restricting below that, and no bingeing followed by throwing up or periods of fasting.
But the thing is, whatever it is I am supposed to be working towards, this “healthy” life…I just can’t see it. I can’t see any of this working out. I just don’t see a future for myself. I close my eyes and try to imagine a functional life…and I just can’t. I can’t see it.
Meanwhile, I am feeling better while staying with friends. It is the first time that I have actually felt supported, and not alone. But the thing is, I feel like I’m observing their life. Kind of…almost “borrowing” their functionality. All the while knowing that I am a guest in another world—the world of the “normal” people—where I will never fully belong.
2 comments
That last paragraph – “observing their life…borrowing their functionality…guest in another world” is an eloquent, succinct description of how it feels to be in my world too. Nice to know I am not the only one.
Thanks so much for your comment. It really makes me feel better if I can say something someone can relate to…at least I’m not the only one.