Fear and Sickness

  January 13th, 2018 by Talos'Wife

I’m so tired just got done crying again… Look like an absolute mess with this mascara that ran down my face… it’s becoming some habit… One I really don’t want!  and today I dont have the energy to clean my face I’m sure many of u have had those days… I wish no one had to suffer or hurt…. People around me say I have control over my happiness or ask me why I can’t just be happy … I don’t have answers for them lord knows If I could I would be,  I just want to be ok I’m not even asking to be happy anymore just ok… I want to have a day were I don’t have this panic this pain, anxiety, stress ect… I went to my dr today she gave me Zoloft to take only half of a 25mg tablet,  took it about 12-13 hours ago, felt a lil weird at first but nothing too crazy but then super anxiety! I’ve calmed now but I was having some real big issues couple handle that feeling… I thought maybe this could be an answer but now I’m skeptical… I’m scared afraid why did this medication make me feel such extreme fear?? I have my first psychiatrist appointment in a long time next week I’m having second thoughts about going I don’t want to take medication that makes me feel worse or gives me bad effects! I really can’t handle that right now …. I just want to ok but I don’t really want to take pills I don’t want to not be able to laugh or cry to love with the intensity I can….but I also don’t want to hurt like this and want to die….but I don’t want to live feeling like this …. I don’t know if ill try and take this medication again tomorrow and I’m scared to go to the psychiatrist,  I feel if I tell him i don’t feel stable or comfortable enough right now to go through this level of side effects he may ferry me off to some psych ward without my consent and they will force them down my gullet until I’m not who I am anymore…. they will force me to go through hellacious side effects… I can’t take that! I will not live through that! I need to be able to be here and sleep here in my room the only place I can even feel slightly ok… Or at least the only place i could,  unfortunately this room has become a very big part of my stress I need quiet, peace and calm  my neighbors are not that … I have some sexual repulsion and well I’m sure u can see where I’m going…. if they are not loud in one way they are loud in that way… my quality of life is slipping  I’m constantly sick both physically and mentally…. I feel like every day I get worse, I just want to be ok  and I dont want to be on pills! I want to be in the arms of the one I love! the one who Is my life,  my reason,  my happiness…  I want to be calmed with his hug,  to hear as his heart beats and his lungs breathe as he runs his hand down my hair and tells me it’s ok ..  but I wonder maybe it’s just not my fate to be happy …But I want to I want to be happy ! To live  to be a wife to him,  have a family with him, give him children and see him happy and be happy with him! Both of us taking care of each other making each other smile and feel loved and fulfilled… If I end it now it hurts me thinking I’d throw away this only chance at true happiness I have… No of course it would never be perfect there’s always crap life throws at u and there will be fights and such but at least my smiles would me really and my heart brimming with love instead of pain….

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