I don’t know what to do. It all started with anxiety from wrestling. Never wanting to lose, pretty normal right. Even when I was almost always winning I didn’t want to wrestle with the fear I would lose. When the season ended that anxiety should have went away, wrong. It got worse but It wasn’t about wrestling or athletics. Not about school or relationships. I couldn’t put my finger on what was causing this mass hysteria in my life. During the summer it just got worse, with many reasons contributing to my panic. Mom went to rehab for the first time. Starting slicing my wrists and looking for ways out of my life. That was only the beginning. June 23, 2017, my life changed for ever. A couple of weeks earlier I was caught with weed and my dad wouldn’t speak to me or even look at me. He called me at approximately 11:30 A.M. “Some stuffs going on and Im not entirely sure what happened but just know I love you.” I knew something was fucked when he told me he loved me. My dad comes home and picks me up to go to the police station. A quiet 25 minute ride. We reach the station and I’m put in the chiefs office while my dads taken into another office. “Come with me” We reach another office just me and him. “Grandma and Sam were killed today on the way to the airport.” I couldn’t deal with it. I broke down crying and gave him a huge hug and wouldn’t let go. That day changed my life forever. About a month or so later my mom goes off the deep end. Drinking constantly until she can barely move. Shes shaking and crying but finally gives in and goes to rehab for her 3rd time. The cuts get deeper and everynight I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. 4 months later my mom hasn’t gotten any better. Shes had three seizures in front of me and tried to commit suicide 3 times. Shes in therapy right now for her 4th time, missed christmas and missed New Years. Missing my phenomenal wrestling season. Im doing everything I can to feel alive. Stealing opioids from the medicine closet. Almost overdosed twice. Still doing those same fucking things hoping to get high. One of these days I’m gonna finally OD and get out of this fucking world. It seems as my life gets better I personally get worse. Still overnight going to bed crying while thoughts of suicide infect my mind. Im put on the strongest “happy pills” they got still not doing shit for me. All my friends are trying to predict their futures. Kids, Jobs, Money, Wives, Husbands, etc. You know how I predict my fucking life. If I’m not dead by 21 I’m gonna end up drinking my life away like my genetics are telling me to. Fuck 21 I won’t even make it to 18.
2 comments
You definitely have a crappy family situation. It’s hard losing someone you love. And I’m sure your mom is putting the family through hell. But you can be strong. In a few years you’ll be able to leave that environment. Maybe you can use your experience to help someone else. Talk to someone. You seem like a good person. I wish you the best. I’m here if you need moral support.
Ya I know that shit is soooo lame
I don’t want any of those things you said
I just want a home far from the freaks that want those things so I don’t have to see them ya know
They’re terrible to look at
I see procreation as something beastial