Whoever said “talking helps” is a fucking liar. Or maybe I’m just a fucking idiot for thinking that advice for good people could ever apply to something like me. I fucking ruin everything.
Fucking ruined my friend’s feelings for a nice guy because I admitted to liking him, even though I know that my friend and him would be a better match and she wouldn’t destroy his feelings like I would. I know damn well that I am not mentally stable enough to get into a relationship, and still I said I liked him. I should’ve lied. I fucking hate myself. I never lie at the right times. I know damn well that I can’t be with him, and furthermore, that she could. What was I thinking? What the fuck is wrong with me? Nobody wants to be around damaged goods, and, as much as I’d love to believe otherwise, that’s all I am. It’s better that I accept this before I try to get into a relationship. What a fucking dumbass.
Then, I let it slip that I cut myself. Like the person I told didn’t have problems of his own. He has better, more important things to worry about. Goddamn it, he’s a fucking good kid. He deserves a lot better than some annoying twat telling him about a “bad habit”. I’m a fucking addict. I’m disgusting. I’m abhorrent. I don’t want fucking sympathy. I want that to be given to the people who deserve it; I don’t deserve it. And then I just fucking barge in ruining things. “Hey! Guess what! I cut myself and I’m suicidal! Did I happen to mention that I’m a fucking psycho? Well, I am! Sorry, didn’t mean to rain on your parade!” Fucking cringey ass *****. I have every right to be ashamed and guilty.
And now tonight, I told someone a small part of why I’m going away. She didn’t know what happened. She still doesn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to fuck things up more after I let that shit slip.
I am a fucking accident. It’s absolutely shameful for me to go around making people miserable. I can’t believe I did that. Fucking shameful. What a fucking monster. I am not a fucking human and I don’t deserve any of your kindness. I hope this helps you see that.
15 comments
Let me guess let me guess your parents did! The chaotic creators of this disaster that turned into you!!
The chaotic creators – that’s a good phrase for them. Mine too.
It might be on me if I can’t turn the disaster around.
Nah, man. I can’t blame my parents for anything. They did what the could with the shit blob they were given labeled “baby” and raised it as best as they could in spite of the fact that it would’ve been better for them to kick me out. It was me that took that unnecessary kindness and, instead of returning it or giving it to those around me, screwed everyone over. I have no one to blame but myself for that. My parents are in the clear for this one.
Oh I thought because like they gave you their genes which I guess play a part in feelings idk tho
I like to believe that, no matter what my parents did to me, they aren’t at fault when I screw up. They lacked in certain parental qualities, but who doesn’t? At the end of the day, I’m just another brat wanting to be special and unique. No amount of genes or brain chemicals can change my human nature. That’s the real shame here. Maybe genes could have done me some good; I would be better if I turned out liked my parents.
You must be one screwed DNA helix
Why do you hate yourself so much?
Because I am a self-centered asshole who only thinks about myself. Because I am rude and make serious, life-ruining mistakes.
Because I’m wasting your time. Because I’ve wasted the time of the people who I care about. Because I ruin people’s lives no matter what I do. Because I’ve tried to fix myself, but my flaws are so deeply ingrained into my being that, in order to get rid of the problems I cause for other people, it is necessary that I get rid of myself. It’s probably just easier to think that, if I’m doing something, I’m probably fucking it up and hurting those around me, and I think that’s pretty damn shitty of me. I’m disgusting. I’m ashamed of myself and I have every right to be. If you knew me, you’d hate me, too, and that’s okay.
Nobody wastes my time unless I allow it. Okay? So you say horrible things about yourself. Did someone teach you that? There has to be some good in there too. Everything and everyone has both. Where are you hiding your good parts? And why? Your mind is like a cluttered room. With so much stuff strewn all over. The bad shit is on top because you use it more often. So that’s what you see. Dig a little deeper and find a good thing. It’s all under that mess. Just one good thing about you. Please? And tell me what you find. I would really appreciate it.
I read that message yesterday and spent the rest of yesterday and all of today metaphorically digging. Unfortunately, I can’t say I’ve found anything yet, but actually looking for something good about myself is a step in the right direction. I don’t expect to find anything, but I’ll keep looking. I appreciate it.
Hi
I don’t know if this will work for you. But I sympathize with you. I also have a troubled relationship with myself. So I thought I would give it a shot. Here is an exercise you can try and see how you like. I think it is something you can get better at with practise.
On your pc/tablet/phone/whatever, or on a piece of paper, write down “How does my body feel?”. Then list answers to that question. Here is an example:
How does my body feel?
My eyes are itchy
My neck hurts because of my poor posture in front of the pc
I can feel traces of the bread I recently ate on my gums and between my teeth
My mouth is dry
My back hurts
My nose is a bit blocked
My right leg is a bit numb
My feet are slightly cold
I feel a bit depressed
When I have done the exercise, I usually end up noticing how I feel, mood-wise, after kind of exhausting what I can observe about my body. It’s a reminder that my mind resides in my body, is a part of it. I believe it is healthy to be aware of your bodily sensations and your emotions, and maybe the two are connected.
I hope you can learn to love yourself.
Take care and good luck
I appreciate this a lot more than I’m able to express. This looks like it could really help me connect my body and mind the way I should, and I appreciate you taking the time to write it out for a miserable wretch like myself.
Unfortunately, I have yet to take the first step of accepting that I am a salvageable human being. I am struggling with finding a reason to save me. I am not quite sure I’m worth saving. It’s become clear that the cost of fixing myself is much larger than the benefits that would result from a “better me”. Perhaps it is better that I suffer. I understand that this likely means that I should make myself as slight of an inconvenience as possible, and therefore not use this website as an undeserved release, but I am selfish and struggle to take away something that helps me. I’m sure I’ll be off forever soon enough, though. Hopefully.
But thank you very much. I appreciate your kindness.
My pleasure. Isn’t it strange that someone like Charles Manson can be perfectly happy with what they have done, and someone like you can feel like the worst person in the world, just for… being human?
I suppose that’s because Manson could justify himself before his conscience. Sure, the justification might have been sourced in evil, but he thought what he was doing was correct, and a conscience can be swayed with enough convincing.
I, on the other hand, have no justification for what I did, and my conscience declares me guilty. It’s only natural. I don’t have a reason or excuse for being an asshole, and I am certainly guilty of committing various wrongdoings. I can’t justify my actions and silence my conscience without lying and bending morality. Once morality is bent, it is inevitable that I will become evil and my easily-swayed conscience will justify me even then. I’d rather live/die in guilt than be worse than I am already.