i am uncertain

i’ve been continuously browsing many websites that have suicide related content, although i don’t think i’ve gotten very far. i think this is one of the websites that stood out to me though, so i guess that’s why i’m taking the time to post here at all.
i’ve just been feeling very dull lately and i crave any sort of unusual experiences, especially with my own strange feelings that i really don’t like discussing openly or anything else. i’ve been disconnected from reality more and more lately, but i’m really okay when i need to be (such as when i’m in public spaces, school, etc).
I usually have a good amount of anxiety and i don’t enjoy being active anywhere but i am just so lost in some essence and way.
i’ve been considering harming myself but the last time i did my hand became numb, which has scared me a bit; i don’t want to be involved in a situation where people i know look down on me for continueing to participate in such behaviors, i guess.
i just have to be careful about it, if i really must give into my impulses. but it’s also nice when i refrain from doing so, even if i don’t get anything out of it. i really almost feel completely, completely out of it although i should be fine…
I also often discredit myself as being “edgy” or something like that when i talk in this way on other social media, but i really wish i didn’t have to do that. i wish that i had a different mindset.