The only good part of me is the part that wants death. I’m a horrible person, and wanting the world to have less horribleness in it is good. So the part of me that wants to remove me from the world is good, and the only good part of me that there is.
I can’t get rid of it. If I do, then there won’t be any good left. So I’m going to let it exist. I’m going to keep feeding it, letting it grow and grow until it wins out over my stubbornly persistent fear of death. And then I’ll die good.
8 comments
I think you think much to bad about yourself. I can understand what you feel but in my case it’s rue: every month i live longer i cause pain to the ones arudn me by lieing, cheating and thigns ike that. so the day i finally sink in hell is a good day for all the ones i left heartbroken and for all the ones i’ll not get the chance to break their hearts. But i think you re not as bad as i am.
I think the only reason that you (and others) think I’m too hard on myself is because you don’t know me very well.
I could be wrong about that. But what if I’m not?
Do you think you’re weighing up the evidence of that rationally though? Do you think if most morally sound people whose views you might respect knew the truth of what you’d done in your life they would think that you deserved to die?
Or is it the case that the part of your mind that wants to hate itself will go to pretty much any lengths to convince you that it’s justified? That self-hatred is in fact your comfort zone?
I say this as someone who desperately wants to convince himself that he doesn’t deserve to die, but regularly receives evidence to the contrary from those he likes & respects. My life is spent trying to suppress that realization. It seems to me you are in the opposite position – a part of you is constantly trying to manufacture proof of your own worthlessness, which you then try to rationalize. I don’t think you’ve earned your self-hatred.
I may be wrong in that. There may be bodies buried in your yard that you’ve never hinted at. But if you’re even a little unsure on that score, I would urge you to seek evidence from neutral, morally sound outside sources. What would a wise, compassionate, empathetic, caring person really think? I doubt they’d be as harsh on you as you are. I doubt they’d tell you that you deserved to die. But isn’t that something you should test, if you’re even a little unsure?
It just seems to me like a waste of life, to allow your self-hatred to grow so much without having committed the crimes that would justify that. Maybe it’s not something you can help – I don’t know. But to the extent that it’s a choice, I don’t think it’s a good one.
Hey Fish,
I’m always happy to hear from you, regardless of how you’re feeling, and I always want things to improve for you.
Wanting the world to have less horrible people in it, which world make the world a little less horrible, is not something a truly horrible person would say. I hope you’ll understand that you aren’t as horrible a person as you think you are. I don’t think you’re horrible, and there are others here who will say the same in a more eloquent and relatable manner. I’m really glad you’re around, and always hope you have better days.
I’m just sorry I never have something more useful to tell you…
Don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry for.
I’ve made so many posts like this in all the time that I’ve been on SP. And every time people try to talk me out of this state of mind, it doesn’t work. So it’s not your fault. I’m just unreachable.
You write all the things I feel right now..
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in a similar situation.