Life is a joke. One big bad ugly joke that I don’t care to live for, for much longer. True happiness is something that I’ve never been able to experience, I can’t feel it. I’ve always wondered how other people could.
I’ve always been like this, ever since I could remember I’ve always felt this excrutiating pain in my mind, in the way I think, and for years I’ve tried so hard to suppress that pain or distract myself from it. But I can’t, in the end I’m just not strong enough.
It’s fine though because it will all end soon enough. I know suicide is one of the most selfish acts one can commit but i dont care. I’m tired of trying to please others, I’m tired of performing for everyone on a day to day basis and pretending like im just like everyone else, “happy” and “content”.
Soon I’ll put an end to it by performing one of the grandest and most selfish acts of all.
2 comments
I think that you’re trying too hard to be in a position where you’re not hindering anyone else. Where you don’t want to be annoying or in the way of others or you’re afraid of what they’d think if they knew how you really are.
Suppression really isn’t what you want, but that’s something that just seems almost…logical. even though it really isn’t.
I spent years trying to keep my depression and feelings secret and that’s one of the worst things i’ve ever done in my life. partly because that meant i was hiding and lying to everyone that loved me, and partly because iwas hiding and lying from the even smaller group of people i loved.
If life is a stage and you can take the performance anywhere you like; then, lighten up your routine and add a little humor to your life. If you are willing to die…then just live. I don’t personally believe in re-incarnation so I don’t think a person who commits suicide just gets thrown back on earth in another body. Obviously we are mortals here and don’t truly know….The Bible says we only know in part. It’s common sense. But in my imagination, I see God telling my son, OK you took your life at age 21. I had things for you to do. You are going to stay on earth for the next 64 years (or whatever would have been his natural death). And, I’m going to put you to work. I believe my son continues to work as an EMT and takes young people to heaven when they die in car accidents. One day, I think he will go to heaven and I feel that God forgives him for taking his life at 21. It was wrong. I don’t think it was selfish although a lot of people called it that after he hung himself. He was not a selfish person. He was a kind person. He was trying to escape pain. I don’t think he wanted to leave us in pain. He was not like that. There is a YouTube video where the guy talks about how angry he is after his best friend killed himself a year ago. That video resonated with me. It’s exactly how I feel. I miss him. Please have mercy on your mom and the people who love you. No one can make it OK for me, my other son and many many people. We are connected in a web and when we make a choice like suicide, the choice sends out shock waves and poison and pain and death/darkness. Instead, be the one who loves and gets up and helps and cares and stays. Even if you mess it up and “fail”…hey, the web will be OK. But suicide. No. No recovery from that. All the people, money, love in the world will not make me OK. I stay to take care of my other son and my husband. Even if they weren’t here, I’d see other people that need me. Just look around.