Is depression killing me slowly?

“I think I have been addicted with over the counter painkillers and it has been going on since December (2016), but I stopped by June (2017). I have been going on back with the over counter painkillers again since August, except this time I have been trying to overdose, I have actually taken about 16 to 20 pills (200 mg), but then I stopped, and then I had thoughts of doing this again. I don’t know what to do anymore. My parents and little sister don’t even know that I have been doing this, they don’t even know how or what I’m feeling. It gets to the point where I just would rather overdose on sleeping pills, that way I don’t ever wake up and so I don’t have to go to school anymore. Can someone please help me in coping out of these thoughts, because they seem to not want to go away.”

In November and December (2017), I was starting to put hand sanitizer in my drinks because I knew what my end results would be because I have searched it up earlier, but then my friends figured it out and one of them actually took a sip to try and figure out what was in it, so they took my drink away from me and threw it in the trash. They also told me to stop and whenever they see me with a drink they check it to make sure that I am not drinking it with hand sanitizer. Then I had stopped drinking hand sanitizer, but I started crying every night and I would start cutting myself, these cuts are still healing and it has been 2 months since my last cut. I stopped the cutting and then me and my mom had a long talk (in December) because I got in trouble for some social media issues. She then asked me what was going on with me an that she does not see the real person that she thought she knew, that she knows that is inside me, and I told her nothing, then all of a sudden I started to break into tears and told her about 2 of my suicide attempts that I tried to do and she was shocked, but also desperate for answers on why, I never answered those questions she was desperately wanting to know. She does not the reality that is going on in my head. She offered for help, but I denied it. There is so much that she doesn’t know and I don’t want to break her heart, I also don’t want her to tell my dad and little sister. I pushed everyone away from me, I’m isolating myself from everything, everyone and from this world. I am starting to feel very tired and I am starting to sleep during my classes, in the car, possibly anytime I can sleep. But I am also not sleeping on some days, I would stay up through out the whole night and hoping for my parents to not know that I am awake. On new years I made a resolution for me to keep my heart and feelings locked away from my friends, family and loved ones. I am starting to have confusion, I feel like I am sleep deprived, I am not eating much or even not eat at all, I am not doing so well in tests that I should be doing good in.

I just want advice, suggestions, and some coping skills that I may put in practice and use, so I won’t do any more mistakes in my life that end up harming me more than I thought .