My mind wants me to die

January 11th, 2018by AgentQ

I can never stop thinking about killing myself. I feel like my life is already over. I’ve wasted so much time and made so many mistakes. I’m young but i feel old. I feel like my intelligence degraded and gone. I just have no energy. No motivation to do anything. For the past few years i’ve been drinking and other drugs regularly. Now i feel like my liver hurts. It scares me but i also dont care.It seems like you almost need to be a super genius to make a living  now. All i;m cut out for is the lowest of the low. Maybe if i tried hard for many years i could change that, but like i said i just dont have the energy. And anyway there’s nothing to motivate me. I’ll never have a family or kids or a place in society. Just a ghost floating along the edge.

The amount of self-hatred i have is savage. I want to die by my own hand so that at last i can unleash all the decades of pent up aggression against myself. I want every inch of my body to be destroyed and forgotten and i would like it to hurt.

today i am off work. i’m trying to stop drinking and drugs so i will probably spend the rest of the day staring at the floor. I really will never understand how some humans can do it….just live. Talk. have energy and desires and motivations. I would just like to go to sleep forever

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