I still can remember back when I was like 6 or 7, I loved to go to school. Those where simpler times, where getting good grades was your only real worry or responsibility. But as children grow up, they start becoming more responsible, they have other interests, other hobbies. Not me. School was my only priority. And I was the best at it. No one was smarter than me (smarter as in how society and educational institutions define you: the one with the best grades, etc).
When I finished junior high school 4 years ago (I was 15 at the time), school was still my priority, and I still was the best at it (got the highest final grades of the whole generation), and that was something I felt proud about. However, at that age we tend to start getting interested in other stuff. I didn’t. I thought that by being the best in my studies my life would be resolved (even though I started with depression at age 12).
Once I got into high school, I realized I wasn’t as smart as I thought. I wasn’t the best anymore. I couldn’t understand things. And I didn’t have any hobby to distract myself with to take my mind off of my studies. I resigned and decided that being an “average student” couldn’t be that bad. But when the thought that I wasn’t good enough at the only thing I always worried about kicked in, well, you can imagine how I felt.
Somehow I managed to graduate and right now I’m in my second semester in college. But the idea of being the best in my studies doesn’t fill me anymore. I long for something else. And there’s nothing else, I never took interest in any hobby, and now I feel very demotivated as to try anything. I know I can’t do anything. I don’t know how to do anything, besides letting down others, but, you know, that’s not a hobby or something to be proud of.
Furthermore, I feel like an idiot more than ever, since it seems like everyone else understands things from all my classes I can’t seem to grasp. And since I have a scholarship now, I feel even more pressured and stressed because everyone expects me to do well, just as I did more than ten years ago. But I can’t.
I’m not who I used to be. I’m a total ignorant piece of crap with no talent whatsoever and no bright future ahead. I’m too stupid to be studying what I am studying, and the gap of knowledge between my classmates and me is abysmal.
So, since I’m a total failure in the only thing I felt was important, the only thing I ever cared about, I guess it won’t be long for me to reach the end. By my own hand.
1 comment
Hi, I’ve lived through what you are describing. I always prided myself on my grades. My two suicide attempts were both in university, and they were both because I was afraid of failing a project. I took steps to plan another suicide that was interrupted on the day the plan was to take place because I had gotten a B on an exam. I have three post secondary degrees and when I started my career, I replaced career success with academic success. And there were a few more imminent suicide plans that were interrupted in one way or another, and usually, again, because I was worried about performing poorly at work.
Of course, all that anxiety led to poor performance. I had dreamt of being a success and now I cannot even manage average. And now my entire career is peppered with medical leaves and I have torpedoed a multitude of opportunities. I don’t even know if I can go back to the career I worked so hard, and indebted myself into oblivion, to enter. And frankly, I’m not sure it was the right career for me anyway. I think I wanted prestige. I was trying to prove something to someone…though I’m not even sure who that person is or why I cared so much. I wish I had spent time thinking about doing something with my life that I would enjoy more. Of course, at this point, I am drowning in debt and can’t afford to go back to school and re-train.
Here’s my advice to you, for what it is worth: first, I think you are on the right track in determining that academic success will not fulfill you. It won’t. I drove myself into the ground studying (if I had a dollar for every all-night study session throughout my academic career I would be rich!), and I did attain some success…and it made me feel better for a moment and that was it. And it was never enough.
As for feeling like your classmates know more than you do, it is possible you are wrong about that for a few reasons. First, some people are really good at “sounding” smarter than they are. Second, the people in the class who know the answers are usually the ones who speak up. (And by the way, maybe they know more than everyone else because they had better advantages: private schools, private tutors, etc). It may very well be that you aren’t the only one in your class feeling this way.
Also, ask yourself whether you really enjoy studying the subject you are studying. If you do: keep going. Maybe seek out a tutor if you really do feel you are falling behind, and see how it goes…
But it is possible that maybe you would be happier studying another subject. An academic advisor I had used to tell the story of a student who was some kind of science student and he was failing all his science classes, but getting As in his (elective) philosophy classes. She suggested he switch his major. His response was that his dad wouldn’t approve. (I don’t know what happened to the boy at the end of the day…I hope things worked out for him).
All I can say is, if the problem is that you are not enjoying the field you are studying (maybe it isn’t what you thought it would be, or maybe you went into it for the wrong reasons), then you are young enough to do a course correction. Maybe it won’t be easy, and maybe it won’t please whoever it is that is putting all the pressure on you, but…well, if you are on this site, you are already in a dark place so you don’t have a lot to lose. In a way, it’s a perfect opportunity to make a change to try to improve things.
Maybe you don’t know what the problem really is. In that case, it might help to talk to someone. I would suggest that you try to get some counselling through your school. Most schools have free counselling and other resources available to students. I’d say take advantage of those now, while they are free.
Sorry if that sounded overly preachy…it’s just…a lot of what you are saying echoes what I felt, and if I could go back and give advice to the undergraduate version of myself, that’s what I’d say. And I would give anything to go back in time and do things differently.