not yet but… soon?

i’ve been part of this community for such a long time that i thought- why not just chronicle everything and join the pebbles on the beach myself.
i know i’m not making any sense here but it’s been about a year since i’ve been released from my short stay at the mental ward and i almost forgot about it. keyword: almost.
it’s almost funny how quickly your mind can change from one perspective to another in literally days, hours even. i was doing so fine until two days ago when it hit me again- i want to die. haha funny right? and the saddest thing is- it’s all my fault.
i have no one to blame but myself. my family is doing so much for me and i can tell that they’ve had it; they’re done with treating me like a child and i get it- i would lose my shit too if my kid was me.
the only thing i could do today was research suicides in the media, watch videos on suicide cases, and sleep. hopefully when my time comes my face isn’t plastered on the news like some of these kids- i would be mortified.
i would stay up doing more research but my hypersomnia is kicking in and i don’t want to fight it. there’s nothing better than the feeling of going to sleep but there’s nothing worse than waking up again in the morning and when i do wake up again- hopefully i won’t be here too long to contemplate it.