I totally understand this. I just wrote a post about how I tend to flip back and forth between planning my life and planning my death. I think it is the part of my that does want to plan for a future that has keep me alive this long. A shrink in a hospital once said to me : “look, you have to either be alive or dead…you can’t be in between the two”. I suppose it is a pragmatic point: either commit to dying and do it now, or commit to living and forget about dying. (There’s a famous line from a movie like that too…something like “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’).
But I have been walking the tightrope between the two for as long as I can remember. There were some times that I pushed myself completely on the death side but obviously those times failed because I’m still here. And there were some times that I pushed myself completely on the life side and said “whatever happens, I’m going to stick it out and stay alive”. But somehow that feeling has never lasted.
It is a really frustrating place to be. Reminds me of another line from the movie “Girl Interrupted” that is something like “I think a lot of people kill themselves just to stop the debate about whether they will or whether they won’t”…
I totally understand this. I just wrote a post about how I tend to flip back and forth between planning my life and planning my death. I think it is the part of my that does want to plan for a future that has keep me alive this long. A shrink in a hospital once said to me : “look, you have to either be alive or dead…you can’t be in between the two”. I suppose it is a pragmatic point: either commit to dying and do it now, or commit to living and forget about dying. (There’s a famous line from a movie like that too…something like “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’).
But I have been walking the tightrope between the two for as long as I can remember. There were some times that I pushed myself completely on the death side but obviously those times failed because I’m still here. And there were some times that I pushed myself completely on the life side and said “whatever happens, I’m going to stick it out and stay alive”. But somehow that feeling has never lasted.
It is a really frustrating place to be. Reminds me of another line from the movie “Girl Interrupted” that is something like “I think a lot of people kill themselves just to stop the debate about whether they will or whether they won’t”…
4 comments
I totally understand this. I just wrote a post about how I tend to flip back and forth between planning my life and planning my death. I think it is the part of my that does want to plan for a future that has keep me alive this long. A shrink in a hospital once said to me : “look, you have to either be alive or dead…you can’t be in between the two”. I suppose it is a pragmatic point: either commit to dying and do it now, or commit to living and forget about dying. (There’s a famous line from a movie like that too…something like “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’).
But I have been walking the tightrope between the two for as long as I can remember. There were some times that I pushed myself completely on the death side but obviously those times failed because I’m still here. And there were some times that I pushed myself completely on the life side and said “whatever happens, I’m going to stick it out and stay alive”. But somehow that feeling has never lasted.
It is a really frustrating place to be. Reminds me of another line from the movie “Girl Interrupted” that is something like “I think a lot of people kill themselves just to stop the debate about whether they will or whether they won’t”…
I totally understand this. I just wrote a post about how I tend to flip back and forth between planning my life and planning my death. I think it is the part of my that does want to plan for a future that has keep me alive this long. A shrink in a hospital once said to me : “look, you have to either be alive or dead…you can’t be in between the two”. I suppose it is a pragmatic point: either commit to dying and do it now, or commit to living and forget about dying. (There’s a famous line from a movie like that too…something like “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’).
But I have been walking the tightrope between the two for as long as I can remember. There were some times that I pushed myself completely on the death side but obviously those times failed because I’m still here. And there were some times that I pushed myself completely on the life side and said “whatever happens, I’m going to stick it out and stay alive”. But somehow that feeling has never lasted.
It is a really frustrating place to be. Reminds me of another line from the movie “Girl Interrupted” that is something like “I think a lot of people kill themselves just to stop the debate about whether they will or whether they won’t”…
Sorry—I must have double clicked the “post comment” button because my post showed up twice. I can’t figure out how to erase them either…so…sorry.
Heh I can relate to this.