I’m 15 (Female) and I have been selfharming for almost two years with my arms and legs covered in scars hidden with sleves and pants. I became depressed at a young age of 11 because I had no friends but was (and still am) antisocial so I hit the books more than the average student in my grade. I started to get into mind manipulation but before you can learn that you have to understand the emotions. I had realised how sad and lonely I was after I had read more throughly what sadness was and realised that depression was a deeper/darker form of it which is what I felt inside. I had been physically and verbaly abused by my drug addicted father ever since I could remember and I have always been fat (legit almost 300 pounds at 13) which made me hate myself and see the people around me as people with eyes only full of pity twards me. I started cutting on my wrists accidentally because I was shaving my arm hair because I find hair disgusting but had pressed the razor too hard on my skin which had triggered the feeling of pleasure instead of pain from all the pressure built inside of me from these painful years of stress, abuse, and self hate. I am trying to stop my selfharming for my mother to stop worrying about me but she had said once that the goal is for us to out live her so I pomised myself deep inside that I will not kill myself till she has passed and I have mourned for her. It may seem as if I am hoping fpr her to die soon but I love my mother dearly and the only reason I live is because of her. She is the only one who is truly here for me ever since I came out about selfharming. I had lost my best friend since first grade and a even closer friend I had even before I started school because they found it hard to talk to me after they figured out about it. I also have three siblings but the two older are potheads and both want to die so they just think I’m being a dumbass and am trying to look cool and the younger one thinks I’m doing it for attention since I’m quiet. But I wish I was louder. I wish I could scream my feelings of pain all out and never feel them again. My cries at night are never heard by anyone and never will because I never let anyone see me that way or then I will be hated by more people that I dearly need to keep me from losing that promise I made myself for my mother. For I am plain and simple on the outside but I burst like a volcano full of black sadness every night.
1 comment
Most times these things are just a phase. When you are as young as you are, things often abruptly change and change again.
Seriously, in 5 years from now you could be happy as can be.
You’re too young to do yourself in. At least wait till you’re an adult and stuck in a rut that you can’t get out of to pull the plug.