Swimming in a fishbowl…

January 6th, 2018by Justanotherlostsoul

My life has been a constant string of disappointment. I was born in to this world to single mother. A child of a relationship that should have never been.

I was passed from Uncle to Grandparents to the person whom I owe this shitty existence to.

From as far back as I can remember I was beaten, mentally abused, physically abused and sexually abused. I was treated as if I were an animal. I couldn’t bathe inside, use the bathroom inside or do any of the things considered normal to people. I slept on the floor in a back room that had no heat, nor air conditioning. I wasn’t allowed to sit on any furniture, it was always the floor. I never was allowed to watch television, nor did I have any contact with any other children outside of school. I was made to eat while standing and made to basically eat as fast as humanly possible. If not I’d be beaten with whatever was at hand. If I was sick, I couldn’t cough out loud or it was a beating. I had no childhood, I was made to get up at 5 am everyday and clean the yards before school. I’d repeat that process after arriving back from school.

I know some ask why I never was able to reach out for help, but I actually did. I told my mom what was happening at the “baby-sitters”. I had a handgun held right beside my head and was told they’d rather kill me than look at me. That they had nothing to live for.After telling my mom of the abuse I noticed she came less and less to pick me up from this place. Eventually I lived there until I was 15.

By some stroke luck my grandparents moved to my state and I went to live with them. I had a somewhat normal High School life, but my brains wiring had already been configured. Configured to have me believe my worth was not equal to the dirt under your feet. To believe I was ignorant, unlovable and that I never stood a chance in life.

Fast forward 27 years and here I sit, a man that had zero fear of anything of this world. I’ve lived a normal life, I’ve loved the people who have loved me. I assume. I can’t honestly tell you what love feels like, nor what happiness is like.

I know when son was born, I felt something that I had never felt before. An emotion that filled my being, like never before. I’ve had several what I would call successful relationships. However something inside of me has changed over these past couple of years. I met a person, a woman that I thought would be my last. Sorta looks like it’s going to be that way anyway, just not in the way I had imagined. I’ve learned that no matter who the person, they will always let you down, always treat you badly, always hurt you. No one seems to be able to put anyone else above themselves. I have given my everything in this relationship to have it only fall apart.

My son hasn’t spoken to me in several months now. He won’t answer his phone nor return any of my texts. I reached out to him and his mother to try to get some closure to the matter. All she’s does is say he’s not ready to talk to me about it. I’ll ask her what was the issue and was told that she would rather have him tell me. So I’m at a loss. My world has crumbled in upon me and I no longer have the strength to resist.

I’ve never been one two hold suicide in a positive light, but after the life I’ve lived I see no other option. I am unlovable, I am unworthy and I do not stand a chance in this world. I don’t have it in me to do to people what has been done to me. Nor do I have it in me to continue to be done the way I have been done. I truly hope that there is no afterlife because all I need is to rest. I know no one that ever knows me will read this, however I hope that it will give the other me’s that are out there suffering the strength to escape.

I’ve sent out my goodbyes to the people that have cared for me and hopefully they will find solace in those.

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