The Monster Inside me

I am a pretty self aware person, at least I think I am. When I start to think about suicide, or when i start to hurt myself, I stop myself, try to rationalize it, and then, think of the results. Things go sour though, when I rationalize hurting myself, and I start to try to rationalize suicide, as if it is the right thing to do. And, to a certain extent, yes, killing myself is the right thing to do. I am never going to make myself happy, or make someone else happy. I am a lazy incompetent stupid, self-centered, egotistic sociopath who only blames others but himself for his own failures. In the end, I deserve whatever happens to be, be it from someone else, or myself. I haven’t done any crimes per say, but I don’t think I’d justify going to prison, simply because, i don’t think I am worthy enough to take up space or eat the free food there.

I used to have panic disorder and get panic attacks, screaming and running around, afraid that I would die… now when these thaughts of Impending death come to my mind, I just accept it, thinking “Great, something else is going to take care of me, since I”ve got no balls to do what needs to be done”. Sadly, that’s never been the case.

I used to try to pull myself out of this hole, many times, but in doing so, I realized, I dug it myself, and I am the only one to blame, and this is the punishement that i so rightly deserve. This brings me calm, yet, every day I hate myself more and more, since, I haven’t relived the world from myself. Sadly, though, an emotional part of me, hopes that things will get better, that I could get lucky, that I could see the light at the end of the road. I don’t deserve to get lucky.

I am in constant battle with myself, my life falling apart around me as I try not to think about it. What gives me solidarity is that in the end, we are all going to die, so its just a matter of time untill my time comes,