This part of me, that shouldn’t be.

There’s this side of me that is just pure evil – that shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the world. And try as I might, I do not have it under control. No matter what I resolve, what diversions I try to put in place, at some point, a switch will flip. And I will not care anymore. It will take over. And I will want to give in to it. That’s the uncanny thing about evil…it feels really fucking good – like the most essential, natural, wonderful thing you could imagine. And for a time, it will dominate my thinking. And every time that happens, it digs itself a little deeper into my psyche.

Eventually, it will retreat again, and I’m left feeling this mix of guilt, fear, loneliness, shame, and despair. Because I know it’s not ok, to allow this thing to continue to exist in the world. I don’t have it under control, and it really could pose a threat to someone, in the wrong circumstances, or if it gets stronger. I tell myself I don’t want to hurt anyone, but if I’m honest, this part of me kind of does want to hurt people in some ways. Or at least doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. And it may be I’ve already caused hurt to someone, in small, complex ways. I can’t rule that out. So I’m not safe, to be allowed to exist in the world.

I don’t want to die. There’s parts of me that want to live, or at least try to. I don’t think I’m ready to let go of the possibilities of life. And I don’t want to devastate my family.

But I don’t know how to live with this part of me, knowing what it is, and how strong it is. I tell myself that I’m trying to change it, to get help, but all the while I’m letting it dig it’s way deeper into my mind. I think it has too much of a grip on me to ever let it go. It just feels too fucking good to give in, and I always do, sooner or later.

So I’m torn. I should wipe myself off the face of the earth. Or get myself committed/incarcerated somehow. But I guess I lack the resolve. I can’t face the idea of going through that. And I hate the idea of putting my parents through it.

I should be strong enough to resist it, to change. But no matter what I resolve, at some point it will reassert control. I’m so torn, between these different parts of me. I don’t know what to do.