January 11th, 2018 by thehusk

What the fuck am I doing? Spending all this money and time and effort on therapy, when deep down all I want is to go back to getting as much of a buzz as I can for as long as possible. Except that’s not all I want. I also want love, and intimacy, and some kind of relationship. And the two don’t really seem to be compatible.

But even if I do somehow manage to change, it’s not like it’s going to magically remove the barriers to those things. I’ll still be fucked. Just marginally less fucked. And worse, then I’ll be clear headed enough to be unable to escape from how fucked I am.

I’m trying to be two (or more) different people at the same time, and failing at both. One could do very well as a sociopath, not caring who he had to screw over for the next thrill. The other would work great as a kind, caring, thoughtful, conscientious type. But push them together and all you get is confusion, despair, and unnecessary stress. Both parts are effectively in a constant war against each other, always sabotaging and undermining the efforts of the other.

I have no clue what I’m doing. It’s all just so utterly pointless. I need a brain reset. Replace me with someone who knows how not to make themselves (and others) needlessly miserable on a constant basis. Because this is just a waste of life.

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