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What can I do

by crackedheart

I just have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t kill myself because anytime I think about doing it and how much I just don’t want to be forced to live on this rock, I see my parents and friends faces and how sad they’d be. This always brings a sense of hopelessness, I can’t die, I don’t wanna be here but I have to be so fuck what do I do. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere on this whole world and constantly feel homesick for a place that I’m losing hope I could ever find. I have depression, anxiety and I’ve been using substances heavily for the past 2 years just to get through life. My parents just pulled me out of college, because my grades were shit. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve wished I could die since I was like probably 14 years old(I’m about to be 20 next month). The only thing keeping me here is me not wanting to make my family sad by me dying. If somehow they didn’t care or like accepted that I’m not cut out for this world and I knew I wouldn’t be hurting anyone with my decision I would die shortly after i found this out. I hate myself and everything I’ve become and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a failure to myself, my family, and my friends. Maybe someday they’ll all give up on me and I’ll be alone enough where my death won’t cause anyone else pain. I hope I don’t have to be the one to do it though. Maybe there’ll be a kid in front of a bus and I can push him out of the way and die in the process. Atleast then maybe my life would mean something and I could die like a hero, but I don’t think I deserve that. I don’t deserve anything but this misery I’m trapped in.

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nez 1/3/2018 - 8:33 pm

this is one of the first times that I’ve read a post and truly felt it. i have almost the same toughs. have you told anyone in your life how you actually feel?
i recently did and i am still not sure how i feel about the response i got… I’ve been through therapy for like six years, and i am aware of my issues and i do say that everything/everyone has a purpose but when it comes to me it just doesn’t reply… like it never clicked that i also have a purpose or some deep sh*t… it just leaves me so confused… i would really like to here more about your story if you are willing to share..

crackedheart 1/4/2018 - 1:49 pm

Well first and foremost I am truly and deeply sorry that you are able to understand how I am feeling because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone not even my worst enemy. I’ve tried to talk to people about it but everyone misunderstands and gives suggestions as to what is causing these feelings but they are always wrong. This may sound a bit strange but the only way I can explain the feeling of not belonging here on earth is my soul was originally from another planet or some other plane of reality and it has some fragment of memory of that other place. I’m not sure though it’s hard to know for sure. I feel like I am here for a reason as is everyone, that being said however that doesn’t mean I have to like being here. I don’t know though I feel less depressed and pissed off than yesterday. I’m here if you need to talk or just wanna rant.

muspelhem 1/4/2018 - 2:00 pm

Lol that bus thing reminds me that I used to have similar thoughts. Then I actually did randomly kind of save someone’s life. I was walking on water for a while. Then life went back to its normal sh*ttiness.

Don’t have a solution for you. Personally, I feel like all the self-help and pop psychology BS I have read over the years has helped b*gger all. I’m much more inspired by works of fiction and just by being around other people. Maybe life isn’t so complicated. Get out more. Think less. Help others. Be a bit selfless. Follow your gut. Etc.

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