What can I do

  January 3rd, 2018 by crackedheart

I just have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t kill myself because anytime I think about doing it and how much I just don’t want to be forced to live on this rock, I see my parents and friends faces and how sad they’d be. This always brings a sense of hopelessness, I can’t die, I don’t wanna be here but I have to be so fuck what do I do. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere on this whole world and constantly feel homesick for a place that I’m losing hope I could ever find. I have depression, anxiety and I’ve been using substances heavily for the past 2 years just to get through life. My parents just pulled me out of college, because my grades were shit. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve wished I could die since I was like probably 14 years old(I’m about to be 20 next month). The only thing keeping me here is me not wanting to make my family sad by me dying. If somehow they didn’t care or like accepted that I’m not cut out for this world and I knew I wouldn’t be hurting anyone with my decision I would die shortly after i found this out. I hate myself and everything I’ve become and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a failure to myself, my family, and my friends. Maybe someday they’ll all give up on me and I’ll be alone enough where my death won’t cause anyone else pain. I hope I don’t have to be the one to do it though. Maybe there’ll be a kid in front of a bus and I can push him out of the way and die in the process. Atleast then maybe my life would mean something and I could die like a hero, but I don’t think I deserve that. I don’t deserve anything but this misery I’m trapped in.

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