Woke up some time after 4pm again for the millionth time in a row when I could have been productive today. I know over sleeping makes your body feel worse but I just can’t will myself out of bed until I absolutely have to. Because of this, I eat one meal a day at most (the term meal used loosely).
Thinking about a commenters words of finding a calm place. I’m not really sure I have one. Sometimes sleep can be freeing, but tbh I am often plagued by reoccurring nightmares of traumatic experiences and will cry in my sleep. I never really feel well rested or energized.
The only other place I have felt calm would be one of the places where I had planned to kill myself 2 years ago. I just got kicked out of school because I was too poor to afford the rest of my tuition, my boyfriend was caught cheating on me for months, and I was beyond broke with a week to find a new place to live or be out on the street. I tried to call my parents for help in an act of sheer desperation and was told “that sucks, hope you figure something out” and that was it.
My school was near a river and one day I just turned off my phone so no one could reach me and walked out of my room, not looking back. I had never learned to swim so any large enough body of water would do the job. When I got to the pier along the water, a lot of people were around as it was a sunny day so I decided to wait on a bench in front of the guard rail until no one was there who could stop me. I ended up sitting there for hours, completely disassociating while staring aand listening to the moving water. It’s kind of corny in a way that water can have such a calming effect on people. It helped me settle the demons in my mind long enough that by happen stance a friend ran into me and sat with me and my plans by that point were called off.
To be honest though I really wish I jumped into the water that day. That friend who accidentally “saved me” later became my lover- then one of my biggest abusers which still haunts me.
2 comments
I was living in a dorm next to the river but it was way to cold to just calmly drown and one night i was just calmly jogging in the middle of a night to numb my self in cold weather before cutting and one time this guy just kept fallowing me. like at first from far, than close and closer till he was like next to me, but he didn’t said a word (Well a few random) and just the fact than someone cared to follow me, like i normally have an empty head so i cant even express my self with words, but just him being next to me for what ever reason helped me to calm down.
My point is sometimes bets advice or help is just no words. Like what words can really do? And how would someone that is next to you suppose to know what and how to say to help you, and yet silence has all the words you want to hear.
I agree, words don’t really mean anything, but having another person present makes it hard to go down the dark rabbit hole in your brain