A calming place

  February 20th, 2018 by ataria-coronaria

Woke up some time after 4pm again for the millionth time in a row when I could have been productive today. I know over sleeping makes your body feel worse but I just can’t will myself out of bed until I absolutely have to. Because of this, I eat one meal a day at most (the term meal used loosely).

Thinking about a commenters words of finding a calm place. I’m not really sure I have one. Sometimes sleep can be freeing, but tbh I am often plagued by reoccurring nightmares of traumatic experiences and will cry in my sleep. I never really feel well rested or energized.

The only other place I have felt calm would be one of the places where I had planned to kill myself 2 years ago. I just got kicked out of school because I was too poor to afford the rest of my tuition, my boyfriend was caught cheating on me for months, and I was beyond broke with a week to find a new place to live or be out on the street. I tried to call my parents for help in an act of sheer desperation and was told “that sucks, hope you figure something out” and that was it.

My school was near a river and one day I just turned off my phone so no one could reach me and walked out of my room, not looking back. I had never learned to swim so any large enough body of water would do the job. When I got to the pier along the water, a lot of people were around as it was a sunny day so I decided to wait on a bench in front of the guard rail until no one was there who could stop me. I ended up sitting there for hours, completely disassociating while staring aand listening to the moving water. It’s kind of corny in a way that water can have such a calming effect on people. It helped me settle the demons in my mind long enough that by happen stance a friend ran into me and sat with me and my plans by that point were called off.

To be honest though I really wish I jumped into the water that day. That friend who accidentally “saved me” later became my lover- then one of my biggest abusers which still haunts me.

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