Usually, my suicidal moments are very emotional… I’ve smiled my way through a few, but the majority was drenched in tears.
But this one.. This is different. I can sense the pain is there, but I don’t really feel it. I can sense that something in me wants to cry, but I don’t feel the tears coming… It’s all drowned in an emotion best described as white noise.
I’m not thinking anything.. I’m not sad nor angry. I’m not trying to justify my wish for death and I’m not worried about the people I would hurt. I guess if I could feel, I would still feel all that though.
This is definitely new…
Maybe I’m just starting to die inside, now that I’ve refused to die so many times… Maybe I’m out of ways to trick myself into staying…
Maybe, just maybe, it’s time…
2 comments
I understand what you are living through. Recently, I feel like I’ve just accepted the fact that it’s my faith to die so there really is no reason for me to justify it even more. I feel like the longer you’re suicidal, the less you care. Do I care about the impact it’ll have on the people around me? No, not at all. It actually even humors me when I think about it. They’ll just care when it’s too late. It’s not like they actually did when I was alive so why would I even bother? I guess we’re both dead inside.
Thank you for your reply, it sounds like we feel the same… Except I wouldn’t say it humors me. I have many people I know care a great deal, but on the other hand I know they can’t change what I am… It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that I’m shutting them out of it cause I know the only thing letting them in would do, is hurt them. They can’t fix me, they can just show pity and try to distract me with company, sex etc.. I don’t want anyone to start that battle, when I know it’s already lost.