Anyone else relate?

  February 16th, 2018 by Vertrag

I read a article online about constant suicidal ideation, and had the urge to write about my own struggles. Can anyone relate, or want to share their experience?

Here’s my take on it:

    Tomorrow. It’s something most people don’t really think much about. They just assume it will come. For me, it is something that often feels uncertain. I don’t know if I will have a tomorrow. I don’t know if there is a next day for me. It’s terrifying because I never know which day is the last. Which day my suicidal thoughts will overcome me and I will lose my battle.

Living with chronic suicidal thoughts and depression is something that takes its toll. You often feel on the verge of a breakdown, and you can never tell when it’s too much. You can never be certain where the point is where you can ask for help without seeming like you are just asking for attention.

I never do it for attention. My mental facilities are impaired, I’m suffering, and suicide seems like a good idea. But the problem is, I always have a plan. That’s the usual criteria for others when to know when it is time to get help, but what happens when that’s always the case? The line gets blurred. You constantly live in uncertainty. You fear troubling others, and wasting their time. Fear the day they get compassion exhaustion towards you, and begin to ignore your thoughts. That makes them worse. Because then, it feels like no one cares anymore, and it fuels the desire to act even more.

But when is it, “bad enough”? That’s something that I can’t answer. I constantly struggle with it. Even in moments where I want to act, where I want to die, I’m scared to call someone, because what if in the end, it would have been fine? If I would have stayed alive? Because for someone who lives with constant thoughts of suicide, these times are far too many.

So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I live day to day, often having to live with the resignation that I cannot/do not have a way to know if I will make it to tomorrow. Because ideation can spiral into action in minutes or hours. And when you live with constantly, it’s something that can tear down all your defenses in just a moment. Because the darkness knows you just as well, or even better, than you know yourself. It knows how to cripple you.

So when others ask me how I am doing, my answer is almost always, “fine”. Because what else can I answer? Because in the end, I might not even know where I am that day in terms of stability.

I fear the day I will lose this fight. I fear the day I will cause those around me to grow tired of my struggle, the day they grow immune to my pain and see it as another thing that is just a part of my life. But, for now, I have no choice but to accept that this is my unsteady reality.
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