Anyone else relate?
February 16th, 2018by Vertrag
I read a article online about constant suicidal ideation, and had the urge to write about my own struggles. Can anyone relate, or want to share their experience?
Here’s my take on it:
Tomorrow. It’s something most people don’t really think much about. They just assume it will come. For me, it is something that often feels uncertain. I don’t know if I will have a tomorrow. I don’t know if there is a next day for me. It’s terrifying because I never know which day is the last. Which day my suicidal thoughts will overcome me and I will lose my battle.
Living with chronic suicidal thoughts and depression is something that takes its toll. You often feel on the verge of a breakdown, and you can never tell when it’s too much. You can never be certain where the point is where you can ask for help without seeming like you are just asking for attention.
I never do it for attention. My mental facilities are impaired, I’m suffering, and suicide seems like a good idea. But the problem is, I always have a plan. That’s the usual criteria for others when to know when it is time to get help, but what happens when that’s always the case? The line gets blurred. You constantly live in uncertainty. You fear troubling others, and wasting their time. Fear the day they get compassion exhaustion towards you, and begin to ignore your thoughts. That makes them worse. Because then, it feels like no one cares anymore, and it fuels the desire to act even more.
But when is it, “bad enough”? That’s something that I can’t answer. I constantly struggle with it. Even in moments where I want to act, where I want to die, I’m scared to call someone, because what if in the end, it would have been fine? If I would have stayed alive? Because for someone who lives with constant thoughts of suicide, these times are far too many.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know. I live day to day, often having to live with the resignation that I cannot/do not have a way to know if I will make it to tomorrow. Because ideation can spiral into action in minutes or hours. And when you live with constantly, it’s something that can tear down all your defenses in just a moment. Because the darkness knows you just as well, or even better, than you know yourself. It knows how to cripple you.
So when others ask me how I am doing, my answer is almost always, “fine”. Because what else can I answer? Because in the end, I might not even know where I am that day in terms of stability.
I fear the day I will lose this fight. I fear the day I will cause those around me to grow tired of my struggle, the day they grow immune to my pain and see it as another thing that is just a part of my life. But, for now, I have no choice but to accept that this is my unsteady reality.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 19:33:22
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 19:47:09
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 21:15:38
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 21:21:10
It’s the same as taking a walk on the street and getting hit by a car.
Afraid of saying it out loud, why? Because people can hear and judge you? Based on what? They don’t know and don’t care about you. If they hear you saying it out loud that’s an opportunity for them to reach you and try to understand why, if they don’t their thoughts about you can’t reach and can’t hurt you.
People say out loud worst things than a simple I want to die, or this isbthe right place to kill myself.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 22:04:36
I wish you didn’t understand that feeling. I am with you though. Even on my good days, when I take public transport somewhere, I think about jumping in front of the train. It’s sad and depressing for me, and I imagine for others too who wish they didn’t feel that way.
I can understand the fear of losing control, for I feel it too. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I can definitely relate to the fear of not knowing when I’ll snap.
And the fear of judgement. I hate how judgemental people are. In 2018. It feels like if you had any other illness/accident (cancer, broken leg, brain damage), people feel sympathy and make allowances…but in terms of mental health…in my experience, most people turn a blind eye and say that you should be happy. It baffles and saddens me.
Thanks for responding btw. It feels like the more I read from you, the more I feel like someone out there might understand haha
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Feb 17, 2018 @ 06:29:50
I’m glad that you have especial places to go, I know how great it is.
I used to have special places like woods, but those places are gone now. I hope you get well I’m not perfect but I’m here for you, if you want.
thanks for understanding. I appreciate your words, also I don’t even know what else to say I’m a little lost right now I need to recover from brought that thing to the top of my ming. Alsi I feel that in my rage I said rude things to Clipped Winds, what makes me even sadder, it’s my fault my lack of control.
thank you, I won’t endarger the lives of many, just a few. I know everyone’s routine, excepy from the neighbor, but this special neighbor I want him to suffer too.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 19:42:20
The universal reply. It comes out so easily, so quickly, and always such a lie, but it just saves time – because explaining the truth is, well, just not an option.
So, I’m always just fine.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 19:52:34
I’m both glad and saddened that you can relate to this. I hope that someday, the truth can be said. And that in the meantime, you have someone to share with, even if it is just on here, or somewhere else.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 20:45:07
I always think hiw they r doing, they don’t have to worry about anything else anymore. Free.
I have many plans, when Im really angry I plan to explode my house with me inside after taking a lot of sleeping pills and poison.
Why because my family is a bunch of selfish thst only cates for themselves, so why should I die and let them take a little thst I have?
I know how interested in my house they are, they want me gone, and just the thought of it makes me sooo angry that I want to tear this place down, such material people. I hate them.
They called me a pedo, thief, and a killer.
I never did such things, all dsy and night I think about dying or prosecute those mother fuxkers.
About people asking how are you? I never answer.
Them when we usednto meet ( I don’t have friends anymore I’m never fine) I ntold them thst I don’t know howbto answer such question, I’m never fine, so I didn’t lie, and they left.
My brothersand my father always bullied me smand still do.
To die I need to be very very angry I must lose my mind as they made in not ao long past
I should have died in November 2016 but i didn’t, I regret.
From that time to today I did good for others but no good came to me.
I work and don’t get paid I feel trapped coz I almost can’t say no, and I feel sorry for them and they don’t pay.
I don’t have much money left, I can barely eat, my refrigerator is empty.
My car needs a fix and I am delaying as much as possible, I could fix but my brothernstoke my garage now my car sleeps on the street and it is impossible for me to fix it.
I cut my own hair.
Tomorrow is a burden to me.
My main thoughts are, why should I live, waiting to win the god’s lottery and go to heaven?
Build something in life to enjoy while it lasts and then die?
Why not die now, what’s the difference, I’m just another persob in a world full of people, nobody will miss, and if they do the daily routine will make them forget I existed.
The only special person we have is ourselves, individually.
Growing up where everyday of your childhood was seeing your mother getting beat and your mother beating you because she was angry after getting beat. Who’s fault is that?
The stronger taking advantage of the weak.
I grew up a mess, I don’t have childhood friends, even with Facebook, school, high school college, everybody left me, am I this terrible?
I don’t think so, I lose them or the lost me because I spoke my mind, I normally agree because honestly I don’t care much, they have better lives, morr family more friends more money more status, but I was fitting in, but when I disagree that’s was the end of line, how canbthey be friends of a person and not a pet? When the pet rebelled against their owners the pet was left behind.
I didn’t told half just some points of what I’ve been through.
What drives me to put my plan in motion is a feeling I avoid seeing my brother, but his time is coming, if he thinks he can take the best if me he is paying to see, or I sue or I will explode everything his cars and the whole building showing these bastards how destroyed Im inside.
That’s it
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Good night.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 21:34:17
So, in response to NANIKA: I’m relatively indifferent to the idea of living, I have experienced some bullying and I know of materially focused people with no regard for others but not in that combination and to the extend you have laid out. This wount change your situation but my heart goes out to you. I hope you find a way to channel you rage, be it outward, without endangering the lives of too many people.
Now, in response to VERTRAG:
Giving off the impression of wanting attention is something I struggle with a lot. It is a trait I am quick to notice in me and the people around me. I’ve convinced myself that wanting attention is shameful. But eventually I had to realize that sometimes I do go out of my way to attract attention (like dressing colorfully; I have also been described as a contrarian), and in other situations be convinced not to deserve attention at all. I feel like the boy that cried wolf: Even when I could actually need some help I don’t ask for it as not to come off as wanting attention because I because I know myself to sometimes attract attention formarbitrary reasons.
With or without depression, I feel like ”fine” is an appropriate substitute in everyday conversation. I find it more difficult when I am talking to people who do care for how I feel (At least to the extend I have experienced). Recently my best and sort of only friend I can share most things with has asked me (in text) how I was. She has just became a mother. I didn’t want to impose on her and everything that I imagine to be new, exciting and difficult for her. I didn’t answer.
It’s not every day with me, though. I can go through phases without any serious urges. Other times I get overwhelmed by visiting places because in the back of my mind I think this might be the last time i come here. To be honest though, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but seeing you describe the extend of your struggle makes me question weather I just need to suck it up and get my shit together. I hope I could provide some alternative insight and didn’t just write this to get attention.
(btw, do you by any chance speak german, too? I ask because of you username)
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 21:53:40
In response to your comment though, I hear you on the struggle of not bothering those close to you, and I can only imagine how lonely and painful it might have been to not say anything when you most needed/wanted someone to hear you out.
On the second part of your response, it is my opinion that no one’s pain is worth scoffing at, and that often times, we judge ourselves far more harshly than we deserve. For example, I’m sure if I knew your story, I would think that compared to you, I have no reason to feel the way I have, and that I’m over exaggerating things.
My point being, I think your feelings are completely valid. I don’t know your story, or who you are, but if it causes you enough pain to not be able to hold onto a, “normal,” life like most others, it is not nothing. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to feel cared for. It is not attention seeking to want someone to care. It can just feel like it at times (especially to people who don’t know what it means to be alone).
Anyway, not sure it was much, but hopefully this response brings some hope, and conveys some of my empathy towards how you might feel some days (and even other days, after all, everyone is entitled to feel, “normal,” for periods of time).
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 22:12:28
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 22:14:30
And I believe the anime was 07 Ghost. It’s a little old, but I loved the music and could relate to some of the themes. Let me know if you ever check it out!
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 22:28:38
Hope to see you around.
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Feb 28, 2018 @ 17:41:04
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 21:58:31
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you’ve lost some people you cared about quite painfully, and I cannot imagine the scars that have been left behind.
And although I have some experience with people who only care for materialistic parts of life, I also cannot quite imagine how hurtful it is to have those close to you see you in that light.
I agree that the strong take advantage of the weak, but it is my hope that the, “weak,” can at least form a community for themselves. They might still get beat up, but at least they won’t be alone.
For what it’s worth, I’m glad your still here. I’m glad you replied. I’m glad you are out there to understand part of how I feel. It makes me feel slightly less lonely. And although I don’t know what I can do to help you, I hope that you can feel slightly less like no one cares through this post (even if I can’t tell you in person).
Thanks for sharing.
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Feb 16, 2018 @ 23:34:08
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Feb 17, 2018 @ 10:43:45
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