Broken

February 8th, 2018by Archangelo

Over the last three years, my life was flipped upside down. Suffering from depression since I was a teen, when I was 22, I had finally crossed the mental barrier that kept me from killing myself before. I had a plan, that included the when, where, and how. Until then, I decided I would try and make my loved ones as happy as I could before I hurt them with my departure (I know some may think that doing that is cruel, but I do strongly love those who are important to me; I was and am again feeling too tired). But then, I met him.

Having decided to try to be as normal as possible until the planned date, there happened to be an anime convention happening that my friends were going to, but during a weekday when I had to work. However, I really wanted to go, so I decided to search for someone to go with online. Back then, I used myspace and just looked for people around the area; and my eyes landed on him. I looked through his profile. Noticed he liked anime and video games like me. He also happened to have similar tastes in music. So I took my chances, and I messaged him to start a conversation which would eventually lead to asking him to go to the anime convention with me. He accepted.

We talked some more, and he wanted to cosplay, so on our unofficial first date, a Friday mid-to-late June, we went to look for cosplay materials, and I wanted to buy a camera. We went to some thrift stores and the mall, but he didn’t find what he wanted, so we went to look for my camera. I drove this kid, who was 18, near the cusp of 19, an hour and a half away from his home to an electronics store. I later found out that he was a little scared, but that it was on the trip to the store and the time we spent together looking at electronics that he fell for me.

At that time, although in retrospect I know that he was heavily flirting with me, I did not think anyone would ever feel that way for me. So we went back and parted for the day. I was occupied with family the following day, so I didn’t get to message him. Apparently he waited for me to message him all day and began to believe that I didn’t like him. So the next day when I did message him, it made him really happy. We messaged for quite a while. I was beginning to feel again too. From the calm emotionless coolness that comes with the readiness to die, a desire to have something to look forward to for living began to rise.

I went to work that Monday, and when I got out, I started texting him. He had evening classes at the community college, so he asked me that if we could hang out after he was done, and I said okay. He came over to my place. I still remember him in his high top chucks with his shorts and a horizontal stripped shirt. I thought he was so cute. We awkwardly sat near each other in the living room couch and we were making small talk, but all of a sudden, he hops over my legs as if he was about to do a strip tease for me, and he kissed me.

It was the most surprising thing someone had done to me and also most exciting. He told me he liked me, and I told him I liked him. He then told me we could do whatever I wanted to do. We immediately got hard, but somehow I mustered the control to tell him that I wanted to wait because I really liked him and I wanted it to be special. He told me later on that it made him so happy that I said that. What I don’t think he ever realized was that it was at that moment that I loved him and that love burned the darkness away to where it was nearly imperceptible.

Things happened very, very quickly after that. We couldn’t resist ourselves, so we had sex on day 4. We moved in together a month later. A year later, our financial situation was forcing us to move, and at the moment, he made the decision to leave to another state with me so we could have a better future together. We worked for a year and after feeling exploited at work, we both decided to go to college, so we did.

Throughout our relationship, being with him kept my darkness away and my suicidal thoughts to an imperceptible whisper. He gave me the best 6 years of my life. I never doubted that my love, and by extension our love would ever fade. However, that was not on his side of things. Without realizing it, he began to fall out of love with me. Another boy came into his life, he became our friend, and they fell for each other. Knowing that he did not love me romantically anymore, he decided to tell me that he wanted to leave. I pleaded with him, I wanted him to try couples counseling with me, to give me a chance to re-kindle his fire. But he refused. He knew he couldn’t love me romantically again. So our relationship ended.

Before that point, I believed that when I was ready to commit suicide before I met him, I had hit rock bottom. I was surprised to find how much deeper you can fall into that never ending abyss. I was shattered. I didn’t want to live anymore, but I also did not want to hurt him with my death. I figured that if I could live another 5 years, I would be able to not only be able to leave the necessary financial preparation, but he also wouldn’t link my death to himself.

I travelled out of state to go visit my best friend at the time. He is an amazing person, and I wish my ex would have left me before my friend met his now wife. While I was visiting, we went out to downtown Portland. He noticed that I was keeping back behind them looking all sad and alone, so he grabbed my hand to walk hand in hand with me in public. That made me feel so loved and special. At that moment he sowed seeds of love in me. However, even though it was possible to be with him romantically if he was single or I somehow managed to take him away from his girlfriend, I didn’t want to risk hurting him. So I chose to continue being friends.

To keep my feelings in check, I began to exercise. With great friends and the exercise, I began to feel happier. The downside was that my love for my best friend was still increasing, and I was scheduled to officiate his wedding. The wedding date was coming up, so I flew out to see them again. Once again we went to party, and once again he held my hand. That was the final strike to make me full-blown love him.

His wedding day came. I helped his girlfriend get ready. I made her a bouquet. She looked pretty, but she had been upset all week, and even on her wedding day, she was not anywhere near as happy as her soon to be husband. I was not sure if I was going to be able to go through it. We went to the beautiful location, and up until the final moment, I made up my mind. I was going to give him up and willingly tie their strings of fate together. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

Months passed by again, and they visited during the last few weeks of summer. We camped, we swam, we drank, and we had fun. I also kept falling deeper in love with my best friend. I don’t know if I was unable to conceal my feelings because at some point, my best friend’s wife began to treat me poorly. She was outright rude and mean to me and because I did not want to lose my friendship with my best friend, I just sucked it up.

Election night came. After months of seeing the absurdity of the presidential race, I knew Trump would win. I felt scared for what was coming but I was angry of the possibility that our hard fought for rights would be stripped away again and that violence was going to rise. I decided that if it came down to it, I would be ready to spill my blood to protect the rights of my queer family. I decided to express how I was feeling, and my best friend’s wife and her friend ganged up on me to tell me I was wrong. So I called them out on their privilege, and because of her fragility she became angry and cursed at me. A display of disrespectfulness that not once I have ever pulled on my my loved ones, and especially not her even though she deserved it.

I was enraged, so I called her an overprivileged pilgrim. That didn’t fly well with anyone there, and my best friend acting on a quality that I admire of his decided to stick by his wife and told me to fuck off. I got angrier, I said things I should have better thought about, and I left. We didn’t talk for a month. I was miserable.

His wife reached out first to make peace. Then one day my best friend called and talked to me. He told me that he overheard his wife talking shit about me with another friend, and that he hated the situation and wanted for us to fix things. He cried as he told me that he didn’t want our friendship to end over a carrot being elected to the presidency.

I forgave them and I apologized too, but I told them that next time that we were together, that we would have a thorough conversation about all of it. When they did visit, his wife was having anxiety bouts about the idea of meeting up with me. They hung out all week with the wife’s friend that was talking shit about me, and at the end I received a text message from my best friend telling me that he was sorry we couldn’t talk, but that even if we weren’t best friends anymore, that he hoped we could continue being friends.

The pieces of myself I had assembled into a somewhat functional person were broken into even smaller pieces. I was hurt beyond any hurt I had experienced. Angry, I sent an essay of a text to inform him of what I wanted to talk about (which ended up sounding like I was tearing the shit out of his wife), and that we could no longer be friends.

I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. I know I was not wrong to be upset with them. They really acted shitty with me even though I had been a friend for the both of them that was there whenever they needed anything I could provide. From emotional support, to monetary needs; I was willing to help them to be happy the rest of their life. I was ready to live next to my best friend to make him the happiest man he could be even if I was never the recipient of his romantic love. But they threw it all away.

I have yet to piece myself back together. My depression got out of control. The thoughts of suicide a loud demand to put myself to rest. I was dying and I didn’t want to do so yet because I didn’t want to hurt anyone who would blame themselves. So I took things a day at a time. A couple of acquaintances became some of my best friends and helped me to continue walking. Then I developed crushes on 2 cute men who were new at work. But as my luck would have it, one is straight as an arrow and the other is queer, but in a relationship.

Although I made great new friendships, I was still falling deeper into darkness and despair. I was highly suicidal and I knew that soon I would allow it to happen. So I asked for help. I began taking an antidepressant. And for a while, life felt great. One of the new men I met at work (the one who is straight) has gifted me the most exceptional friendship I have ever had. It is so good, that there have been times were I feel unsure about my feelings for him. I love him more than anyone else, but because there is nothing there for me to pursue romantically, I have not allowed my love to become romantic love.

My new best friend has been absolutely amazing, and whenever I am with him, I feel like I can take on the world. He recently started dating and I have never seen him this happy. I was an amazing wingman for him, and even now I help him out now and then. Although I really love him and I want him to be the happiest man in the world, I can’t help myself. Lately I have been having a hard time with my depression, and seeing him so happy and observing his love in action makes me very depressed.

I have tried to date after my ex and I broke up, but for some reason I get played each and every time. They go through the effort to go out on dates and be romantic just to get in my pants and then ghost me. So seeing my new best friend at play in his love life makes me sad because I feel that I am so broken that no one thinks I am worthy of them. So they see fit to use me and then disappear. It hurts to think that I am so worthless or that something is so wrong with me that I am not deserving of love.

I am slowly falling into the dark abyss that is leading to that cold emotionless state where I will know that I am ready to commit suicide. I honestly don’t feel I can pick myself up this time. I feel completely alone; unable to talk to anyone and tell them about the darkness I am facing. I feel like I am gonna burst and in that moment when I lose control, I may end up taking my life.

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