I feel as though I’ve been changing in character over the last few months.
For a start, I feel increasingly disconnected with what is going on around me. My usual (music and language) lessons that I have done as a hobby for years are becoming more and more difficult to focus on. I’m struggling to see the relevance of them, the point of them. I think it’s because I’m struggling to be able to see beyond more than a month or two.
The day to day running of the house and family is painful. I look at things that need doing, even finances that need organising, and think ‘so what’? I do them, but it’s such an effort. It’s like dragging a ball and chain.
I tried playing ‘stay another day’ that (ladolcemorte posted) at work – that just made me start to cry so had to be turned off pretty pronto.
I seem to be less sensitive to ‘risky’ situations than I used to be. Example – a few days ago, dog and I saw some guy shouting at some woman aggressively. Normally, I would probably have just moved on. After all – no-one was getting physically hurt (and I don’t usually fancy the idea of getting beaten up). Instead, I went and stood between the two. No way was it bravery. It was more – I don’t give a damn.
Does anyone else get these feelings?
3 comments
Yes, definitely. Your first paragraph really resonated with me. I have long periods of dissociation, where I feel incredibly disconnected from everyone and everything around me. I’m not sure if this is exactly what you experience, but it sounds like it might be similar. I don’t even realize that time is passing, and it feels like I’m in a dream or that I’m not real or something. The other day I was wandering through Target and a woman started talking to me and I jumped because I felt really startled that someone was noticing and talking to me, if that makes sense. Like I felt like I was an observer, watching a movie, but it was so strange that one of the movie characters was interacting with me.
As for the less sensitive to risk part, I understand that too. Personally, since life doesn’t feel “real” (I have no emotional connection to anything) risks don’t feel real. It’s like a video game, where it doesn’t matter if you get hurt or something bad happens. I’ve had a lot of risky and reckless behavior in the last few years because I can’t connect with the consequences. I may know what might happen, but I don’t care because it doesn’t feel like my real life. I don’t even know how many hearts I’ve broken because people have fallen in love with me but I feel more like a ghost or a cardboard cutout than a person, and cardboard can’t love back. Does any of this make sense?
Sorry if this was nonsense. Let me know if you’re feeling some of this, too. It really sucks, so I’m sorry if you are. I can remember when I was happy and full of life and feeling and emotion and I had hopes and dreams and ambitions, and I just want to get back to that point.
It’s not nonsense at all. It all makes total sense. Thank you for replying.
I’m not sure whether I want to interact with the ‘movie characters’ or not. Clearly it’s the normal thing to do. But then sometimes the whole world, while beautiful, just seems pointless. Aimless. It makes no difference if I am in it or not – it will grind on regardless. The other thing is: there are some people I’m definitely avoiding – I don’t want them to see me like this.
I don’t see how to get back to the point of hopes, dreams and ambitions – it seems to require that one believes that the world has a purpose. And I don’t see how to get from believing that it doesn’t to believing that it does.
Ahhh I just typed a whole long post and it glitched and it was deleted 🙁 Let me try this again