Difficult Process

  February 16th, 2018 by Jean-bean102

Whew… I made some difficult process recently..

Sigh.. I hate to admit this but I have been sort of stalking my ex-best friend for awhile. I am not proud of it. I recently completely stops. I don’t check on her for about a week now. It is nice…it feel less weight on me. I used to check on her social media few time everyday while I am process to heal myself at same time. Stupid idea. It slow me down. I told myself that I am just worry about her well being. But it is not really 100% true. I was hoping I would see any hint of her wonder about me or even miss me. But I didn’t see any but see her actually become happy and enjoy her life… I was bitter a little about it last few weeks. Because I want that as well… I did message her small hello after a really bad day and get blocked. I was hurt by it and reacted. Then I saw that I am depend on her for happiness still even though we don’t speak anymore. How sad is that? That is really pathetic of me for do that.

So, since I stopped. I noticed I start to live my life more for myself, not to live my life to prove anyone else that I am becoming better and hope to have her back in my life… I am done play with that idea of hoping to have her again.

I admit, part of me curious at what she doing and still have angry toward to her for abandoning me but… eh.

I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. It pulls me down for awhile now. Make me feel more shitty about myself if I do…

So, now I feel more and more happier. Sure, there are some days I am scared I will repeat same mistake, but it is just my anxiety try keep me stay in my comfort zone. That is why I made pretty bold move with my personal decision recently. ¬†And…I am pretty proud of myself… I am glad I did it. Hopefully, that will lead me to new friends, new experience, and new lifestyle even. Soon, all my mental chains that hold me down will crumbles… Then I will be free to be truly me without any fear or worry.

If the fate or university allow it, we might meet again but I know I will be different person by then. I know she will make great things out of life even if I am not there part of it… So will I, too… I will make great thing in my life on my own alone as well.

 

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