“Held hostage”

  February 2nd, 2018 by ladolcemorte

Yesterday I had a really long talk with the friend I’m currently living with.  (She invited me to stay with her and her husband so that I could take time off work to focus on my health.)

She was explaining that even though she knew all the details of all my mental health struggles before she offered to have me move in, she didn’t realize just how hard it would be to actually live with me.  She mentioned that last week I was  not myself and she was starting to feel that it was affecting her health to have me there but she was afraid to say anything because when I seem so “unwell” she doesn’t want to say anything negative because she’s afraid I will kill myself.

She said she loves me and that she wants me to stay for the moment, but that she feels like she is being “held hostage” by my illness.  Then she said “I realize that you feel held hostage by your brain too, and that as hard as it is for me it must be ten times worse for you”.

I thought about this, and…I guess I do, in a way, feel held hostage by anxiety…by that adrenaline that courses through my veins and just paralyzes me…and by the racing thoughts that terrorize me…

But the strongest thing I feel is disgust at myself for not being able to control it…for not doing a better job at living.  I feel held hostage by my past and present failures.

(Needless to say I am looking desperately for a new place to live before I die..which sounds really silly, I know.  But I feel, after having already burdened my dear friend to such an extent, I shouldn’t be living at her house when I end it, and it’s clear our living arrangement isn’t working so it’s time to move now.  I saw a really sketchy ad on kijiji for a room for rent for only $200 a month…I figured at that price the room-renter must be a serial killer…and with me being suicidal it would be a perfect match!)


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