Yesterday I had a really long talk with the friend I’m currently living with. (She invited me to stay with her and her husband so that I could take time off work to focus on my health.)
She was explaining that even though she knew all the details of all my mental health struggles before she offered to have me move in, she didn’t realize just how hard it would be to actually live with me. She mentioned that last week I was not myself and she was starting to feel that it was affecting her health to have me there but she was afraid to say anything because when I seem so “unwell” she doesn’t want to say anything negative because she’s afraid I will kill myself.
She said she loves me and that she wants me to stay for the moment, but that she feels like she is being “held hostage” by my illness. Then she said “I realize that you feel held hostage by your brain too, and that as hard as it is for me it must be ten times worse for you”.
I thought about this, and…I guess I do, in a way, feel held hostage by anxiety…by that adrenaline that courses through my veins and just paralyzes me…and by the racing thoughts that terrorize me…
But the strongest thing I feel is disgust at myself for not being able to control it…for not doing a better job at living. I feel held hostage by my past and present failures.
(Needless to say I am looking desperately for a new place to live before I die..which sounds really silly, I know. But I feel, after having already burdened my dear friend to such an extent, I shouldn’t be living at her house when I end it, and it’s clear our living arrangement isn’t working so it’s time to move now. I saw a really sketchy ad on kijiji for a room for rent for only $200 a month…I figured at that price the room-renter must be a serial killer…and with me being suicidal it would be a perfect match!)
4 comments
It’s impossible for people who don’t have anxiety/depression/ptsd/schizophrenia (or whatever) to understand. “If you would just ________.” Certainly well-meaning, but it somehow feels like rejection, doesn’t it. It’s not, of course. It’s simply them establishing boundaries they need to not get sucked in.
At least you are loved. Both you and she understand what it meant, even if it didn’t help. No regrets.
Oh yes. I am so grateful for having had this friend and her husband in my life. They felt almost
Iike brother and sister to me. For awhile I was paranoid that my friend didn’t really see me as a friend at all but a project, but then we talked and I realized that was ridiculous. She does really love me…and it has just felt so good to be here and to be loved and supported like this. I was worried about accepting the invitation because I was worried about draining her. About giving her “compassion fatigue”. But I accepted the offer because…well, I was just so touched…and I just adore her so much. She and her husband are such great people…I thought it would be very healing to be around them and to feel not just less alone, but genuinely loved and supported. And I have felt that way…and it has been more than I could ever ask for…but it wasn’t a magical cure to fix everything that was wrong…maybe secretly we both hoped it would be, even though we both knew it was unrealistic. I’m really sad to go, but I love this person dearly, but I don’t want to drain her. I can’t be holding the one person who has gone above and beyond in an effort to help me “hostage”, whether I’m doing it intentionally or not. (She realizes it is not intentional. She was very clear that it is my illness and not me…She is very understanding and very diplomatic. She is truly an incredible person and I do not deserve a friend like her)
I’m so sorry. It sounds like a tough situation but if she can’t accept you and your wishes then you best be out of her hair. I suppose she doesn’t want your load on her back. And to be so sure of what you are going to do I would try to leave. 200$ seems like a doable price for a suicidal person. I’m kind of in same situation but can’t afford 200$ a month so am pretty much hostage.
Sorry about your situation. I get the hostage part for each of you. I wish I had something helpful to offer.