Hello everyone

I am a newcomer to this website, I have been browsing this site but it is my first time actually making an account. I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember and I’ve tried killing myself several times (won’t mention methods). I feel trapped more and more after each attempt, so I guess I have no choice but to deal with it. I do not want to make this a long post but I don’t feel like living. I learned in recent years I can’t be open about suicide and me wanting to kill myself because the police will just treat me like a criminal again and send me off to the ward which is just jail for suicidal people and without worry of being raped. By the way, as far as my experience is concerned, cops don’t care about you as a suicidal individual. They take you to the ward and drop you off. I much rather have an EMT, at least they have some knowledge on suicide I would believe.

Where I’m at right now is being a teen student majoring in comp sci, I decided to apply for an internship at a company that contributes a lot to my cities economy. Part of me doesn’t want to get the job because then, it will make me feel more like a loser and push to suicide again even further. Obviously if I get the job, it’s a good thing. But, seeing things now, I’m probably going to get rejected despite meeting all the requirements and on top of me doing projects and hackathons. If I do get rejected, hopefully I can kill myself successfully (method classified) once I get rejected. I’ve always been considered a loser in my city anyway.

Hopefully I didn’t violate the rules with this post, let me know if I did. Sorry if so.