Hello, I am nothing.

February 14th, 2018by Indiigo

It hurts. Everything hurts so much. I struggle every day and keep on going but for what ? The mask I put on every morning is cracking. My facade I built is fading and people are noticing. I have always been told I am the happy one, that I bring joy but what if I can’t supply that joy any more ? I have no more to give so I can only offer my sadness. My darkest of thoughts which I mistakenly bare for people to see. I shouldn’t have told anyone. I’m not happy anymore, I am hurt. Destroyed. The me that was once happy is crumbling down but I begin to question, was I ever truly happy ? I can’t say a time when I was happy, it’s all a fuzzy memory that I am chasing. I believe that who ever I was before is something I created to mask what I truly am but now that mask is dying. Shall I die with the mask ? The mask is what kept me alive and stopped people from seeing. The blind can see who I am now. The feelings I tried to so hard to hide have become a tsunami, flooding over everything. It’s devouring me from the inside out. Why can I not remember ? I try and try and try but I am met with jumbled pieces of what once was. How much longer can I pretend for ? A year maybe more, maybe less. I have never understood what I am. I am nothing. Nothing is still something so sometimes I believe I am more, but what is that ? Where do I being in the madness ? If I am here then why am I not answering ? I used to believe that I was who I acted and portrayed myself to be, but the act has never stopped and I’m lost in the scripts I read. The characters I have played never left, they grew and began their own lives inside my head. I have days where everything seems normal and I can laugh but after laughter comes silence. The silence defines me. I don’t feel what I did minutes before. I feel nothing. I forget what the emotions are as they all blend into one raw substance. How can this be called happiness ? In the end I never know who I am, will I ever know ? It scares me but maybe this is who I am. I am nothing.

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