Just a few hours ago, after bottling everything up for months, I walked out of my apartment and went downtown, looking for a building to leap from.
The cold wind nipped at my arms ceaselessly…but I just didn’t care. Even as I was starting to get frostbite, the only thing on my mind was dying.
On and on I walked, glaring daggers at anyone who drew too close to me. It was like I wasn’t even myself anymore…
Down dark alleys, along bridges, to the tops of open-air garages.
Deep down, I sort of hoped some stranger would just come up and end me, so no one could blame me for what I was thinking of doing.
The only reason I came back home: My fiance’s debit card was still in my pocket.
Now I’m just laying here, crying like the wimp I am.
I’ll be over this in the morning, and I’ll just bottle it up again, like always.
Then I’ll go for another death walk…or maybe I’ll just gaze longingly at our kitchen knives.
It never ends…but screw seeking help.
Last time I did, I got thrown into some program over a few diary entries that my guardian snooped into. Never. Again.
6 comments
I can so relate to this mood.
Can you talk with your fiance about about things?
Help can be different when it’s self sought as opposed to imposed. Not saying a ‘professional’ is guaranteed to help.
Ive only tried in a roundabout way but I don’t like talking to strangers in person which is kinda a block to that deal, so no experience.
I could talk to him, but I don’t really want to.
He keeps us afloat; between bills, rent, work drama, and prepping for his sister’s wedding, i feel like he has enough on his plate…that my life-long curse of depression and my ever-dwindling health is too much for him.
I try not to mention anything I go through anymore…my back pain, my swollen lymph, the fact that i just can’t fully enjoy life.
I feel like a burden on him, honestly.
I feel like he deserves someone normal.
Someone better than me.
Do you trust his judgement?
He wants to be with you, for his own reasons.
It’s good that you don’t want to overwhelm him, but he also doesn’t want you out of his life, including in death. I think there are ways to give a broad overview of what’s up with how you feel without… hmm. making him feel responsible for picking you back up, I suppose. I imagine he would want to support you.
Have docs at least been able to offer help for the physical pain?
Given you are with this guy,,,, you should talk to him about how you feel,,,, you owe it to both of you….
And if there is anyone that can help you, it would be him…
I mean, something led you to want to marry him to begin with….right?
Its not just about sex…
In fact, sex gets old….
While I do understand you trying to lessen your fiancé’s worries, my thinking is that he would want to know your struggle, so that you can come out the other side of this problem together.
I have also gone on death walks. The longest of mine being 8 hours. What I realized from it though, (and I don’t mean to assume this about you, this is just me) was that my walks had been primarily cries for help. A call for someone, anyone to engage with me. Based on this, my belief that you should seek out your fiancé is a confident one.
I guess he would want to be here for me. But as i said, i’m a bit too much for him to handle right now.
Doctors, i couldn’t afford. I’m not insured and probably never will be.