I should just die

  February 11th, 2018 by Thoreau

Love does not exist at all, not in the way I hoped it did. I had hoped that when I met him that we would become good friends, then best friends and then bond closer and closer.

We are friends-we are best friends, but I want to be closer, I want to provide him with all of his emotional needs, but he won’t open up. I did open up to him, but he likes me better when I’m less emotional and more surface.

I just feel empty about it. I know that conventionally I am being ridiculous.

sometimes there is a situation that comes up where he has the has the choice of playing with them (friends and legit random people online), or play with me. this has happened several, several times. he always chooses them, not a moment thought, like choosing to play with just me isn’t even a choice.

I know this is a petty, I know I shouldn’t let this get to me.

the thing is, I know that I don’t need anyone else. all I need is him, but he seems to need more then just me, he needs his friends, he needs the acceptance on society.

I wanted the kind of love where all we needed were each other, you know? everyone keeps telling me I’m wrong for wanting that. “he just needs his friends” people say. but I don’t need my friends, I don’t want friends, I don’t care what other people think of me, I have no type of desire for anyone or anything else, just him. we’ve been together two years, his indifference for me only grows, I thought we’d get closer as time grew but we just get further and further away. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He is special to me, I’m not special. I’ve never liked anyone else on this planet, yet I could have been any girl. he’ll say other wise, but I really could have been anyone. why am I even here?

I should just die.

 

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