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I was doing well, but now i just don’t want to.

by ComeTheVoid

Ever since I was 14, i’ve been depressed and wanted to kill my self. In year 12, I started getting better, I got closer to my friends and I was happier. When I started uni, I got worse, I was anxious, my family were cold, distance, and always had something to complain about. That’s when i started cutting myself. Then, for the last few months it’s been up and down. I was getting better, happier, closer to my friends, spending more time with them and talking to them when ever i felt down.
But now, I…I just don’t want to. I just don’t want to live anymore. This world is cruel. It’s doomed. I just want to rest. Be free and at peace.

My friends are good. My family relationship, for the most part, is getting better, slowly. I’m halfway through getting a degree, that I’m probably going to fail. I have friends which love me. But I still want to go.

Last month, someone I knew from school killed their self. I hadn’t thought about suicide in a while before than. But when i heard that they’d died, let alone killed their self. I couldn’t believe it. I always thought that everyone else was happy, that I was the only one who would die by their own hand.

I don’t know whether I should post this. I just fell like I need to do something. About 5 minutes ago, I had a rope around my neck, and my vision was blurring, but then just as I was going my instincts kicked in and pulled it off. Now I don’t know what to do. Every time I’m about to do it, my brain tricks me. It makes me think of everything. Everything happening, everyone i know…everyone I love.

I just don’t want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want a life full of love, someone to love me and hold me at night. But so far, despite my best efforts, that doesn’t seem likely to be possible.

Bye.

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2 comments

Zigzag 2/28/2018 - 7:55 pm

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through so much pain. Just a couple months ago, I did that same thing. I tied a noose and I was attempting to die. My vision would get blurry just like you’re saying, but I also had those instinctive worries. Ultimately, I couldn’t get past that instinct to survive.
If you change your mind, I would encourage you to call a suicide hotline. It sounds like you could use some help, and there are people who can help you by offering love and care. You certainly deserve a life that is happy. I hope one day that you find it. Much Love

clipped-wings 2/28/2018 - 7:56 pm

Hey. I’m glad you’re instinct kicked in. You don’t really want to die, do you? You want to be loved. I think you’re suffering right now. You want to escape it. Like many of us, myself included, you just want it to be over. The problem with me is this. What is “it”? And until I figure that out, the elusive “it” will go on. And I will go on. And I hope you will go on as well. Don’t give in yet. It is possible to be free and at peace and have a heartbeat.

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