PS: IF THIS IS GROSS, TRIGGERING OR UPSETTING I AM SORRY (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)
I read the comments to the last post I wrote. Leaving him would be nice, I get all wrapped up in my head and then I somehow eventually tell myself this is good for me. I am seeing a trauma therapist, working through my sexual assault and such. She noticed that I have put my work on that aside because all I do is talk about the toxic relationship I currently am in, she gave me some ideas on how to separate my self from him and to make things work until I can move out. The car him and I share broke down and I ended up fixing it, but I ended up missing my appointment this week. which was fine at first, however the last half of my week has been a shit show. My depression has eaten me whole again. I was feeling fine and once I relapsed and cut on the 6th, the black cloud just came up and it stared pouring, the wind blew and pushed me down. I try and manage the emotional damage the best I can, I think things are better but then I struggle to find anything. I now I just woke up not to long ago as I write this post feeling suicidal. I have not had such bad suicidal thoughts that I felt I could not control since the last time I OD on a Lithium of Gedon (No I do not have Bipolar -depression, I just had some really shitty doctors that year, I have Major depression or Clinical Depression with reoccurring episodes, I feel okay when I can manage it by myself, therapy or medication and then I also deal with situational so when shit gets bad my pathetic brain thinks suicide is a good idea but I can go periods where I feel fine, like things are stable, I do not stay up all night or do crazy stuff when I feel good, I feel normal , whatever that can be defined as, and then when it all hits, I sleep as much as possible, and pretty much just feel like dying , my urges to self harm come back and it feels like I am starting all over again)
I have learned to manage my depression better, I can go longer periods of time with out just straight out loosing my mind, crying all the time and numb. When I feel like I have bottled it up for too long and my anxiety disorder shows up to the party, I have panic attacks, sometimes they are small and easy to deal with and other times I am crying and doing my best to hold back tears.
I do not know why I feel so suicidal this morning, I think my boyfriend and his constant dick touching bothers me, who just NEEDS to have their hands in their pants all the damn time, he masturbates in the shower every morning or before he gets up when he has work. It grosses me out. With all of the trauma I am still working through because of the rape when he does that I used to cry and have panic attacks, I couldn’t help it and I did not know why I was crying. I would do my best to hide the tears and not let it show It stopped bothering me and I just let that be, and now I feel like crying, I feel so emotionally deteriorated and its only 9am. The suicidal thoughts are here again, it feels like I can not handle, yet I sit here calmly with some music on and I write this long post, if you made it this far, thank you for reading.
we fooled around a few weeks ago, he was so proud of how much he you know finished or whatever, I instantly felt like throwing up and ran to the bathroom, crying and having a full on panic attack, it was awful. The person who raped me reached out and said his version of sorry, it made me feel alright, I talked to my therapist about it. The last day or two I felt some weird feelings towards it. I can not explain it yet but it does not sit right.
I feel like my life really just does not have a lot of meaning. I feel like I am here because I think people need me to be but I do not have much importance to people. I die, great. people move on, life moves on. I have tried to think about what people who know me would feel if I died. I think they would be okay, move on within a year, 6 months. I am easily forgettable. I feel like a lot of the times I deal with all this bullshit alone. I have a friend who is struggling and is suicidal, I feel like I help him and try to be there but I also feel like I can’t. I do not wan to tell him how shitty I am feeling, he doesn’t need that right now, he is a good friend so that’s a plus. I feel so lost. I feel like I am walking in the dark and I don’t know where the light is.