Just a random life update.

February 22nd, 2018by Bri

I’ve been with my boyfriend about a year and well… Now he’s my fiancé. We got engaged the 1st of this month and get married the 1st of November.

I know “*groan* You’re engaged Bri you should be happy not on this site!!!”

See the thing is I’m 19 and even though I’m below poverty line and considered disabled I don’t qualify for assistance on my insurance so those medicines I have been on for a year now that work really well? Poof! Gone.

Not only that but I realized that I had gotten an addiction of sorts to the one that was a controlled substance. I wasn’t abusing it, its just after having to take a high dose of it every day for a year and extra doses when I was having a bad day and then it suddenly being cut off my body is screaming because I feel like I need it. I do need it. I’ve been a wreck!

Luckily for me, though, my fiancé loves me even if I’m crying a lot of  the time and want to tear my skin off. I think right now him, our cats, and our dog are the only reasons I haven’t went and done something to make these feelings stop. Its just been a really low few weeks and this morning (since it is currently about 5:30 AM) has been the lowest point. He has held me for the past few hours to keep me from hurting myself when I had a meltdown. I cried so much the bed is wet and he’s finally asleep since I’ve calmed down and I feel so damn guilty and every time he wakes up he mumbles how much he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt myself anymore. If I try to move he grabs me and I know its cause he’s afraid I’m going to hurt myself.

I wish i could make this feeling go away, not only for myself but for him too. He deserves better… But I’m glad he chose me.

I guess that’s my life update.

 

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