My 1st

I met him & my mother took him in. She called him “my black son” cause my dad called him “my black son”.
We were BEST friends before anyone else, before anything else….& Could give a bit of nothing (as far as care goes) when it came to assumptions in re to our actual title of relationship.
If you saw him, you saw me….& Vice versa.
Infact the assumption of anything MORE than friends, was what gave our friend the idea of the *dare*, that I “go out with him”
That day changed my life.
We first kissed that weekend summer of 1996.
The dare was *done* (accomplished) like our friend had dared, & it was boring to “have a boyfriend” (in my opinion), so I tried breaking up on the following monday.
His response was “but I love u” with tears in his eyes.
We both had a hard life. My mother loved everyone else’s kids, but not so much loved me.
She beat me alot, & he would stand up to her, taking the punches.
2years into our relationship, we stepped up the relationship. I just knew I would marry him.

~~~ fast forward. I left the state @ 18, told him “good bye” then went & got married in Miami. & Eventually Separated lawfully from that person.
After moving alot (me) I finally found my way back home, to find him (my 1st) NOwhere…..my life went from bad to worse, I had lost everything worth living for. I missed being a mother, & felt like a piece of trash for all the ways I failed myself.
& I did hav a kid while in a severely VIOLENT relationship with a Severe Schitzo (official diagnoses).
Every part of me tried to get the fuk out.
& Bcuz I went about leaving him….I did so by creating a “paper trail”.
I had my kid, 1 week after labor….he found me, I had no 1. & Nothing.
The govt took my child (3months old) cuz “you can’t keep the baby safe” they said. & They made a mandatory meeting that I had to attend on my birthday. After that meeting, I had to go home & pack my child’s things for my child to go live with the grandparents ON MY BIRTHDAY (the abusive *****’s (man but STILL a *****) parents)…lmmfao NOT FUNNY but…ikr.
I knew I could keep my child safe. But they actually told me that “testifying against him wasn’t in the category of “keeping safe”.
But I could, & I HAD…..I used the services of the police, & put my trust into my Obgyn b4 my child was born.
I went to the US embassy, & tried to get home….fail.
Long story short
My oldest child is now 10years old, & the last time I “visited” my kid they cried for “mommy” when the foster mom walked out the room
My heart crbled into MILLIONS of pieces, I actually believe there is still some shards of it on the floor of that office of that building.
Child’s foster mom requested no more contact with me….I got a letter, saying so.
I left within 5mins of reading the last line on the paper to *go get a cider (beer)”. Got to a train station…..
Had only 3mins until the fast train.
The 1st expected train would no be stopping. Therefore WOULDN’T BE ABLE to STOP!……It would’ve worked, but a close friend FOLLOWED me bcuz I had left my large af key ring, & all my house keys in her apt……
That day I had got soo drunk, & decided it was time to get arrested by customs @ the airport…..in order to get deported home.
I still want death, every day….I need it, but I am too weak.
I miss my 1st born. SOOOOOOOOOOO damn much, that even after having a 2nd child 6 almost 7years L8r, I still feel “unfit”..& as if I am replacing my broken heart..although every1 I kno says that isn’t true about me.
When i got home I got an email: They wanted to adopt…..I knew better than to fight…..you can’t cut a child in half, & a new woman was understood to b “mommy”.
…
So I signed the papers for her to be adopted cause adopted kids hav less of a chance in being bounced from house to house as foster children OFTEN are.
I found my 1st after 3 almost 4 tears of being home….we r married now, & hav a kid, who is well loved, happy, & loves all animals. Jus like mommy.
I can only smile directly @ them cause I KNOW that no child deserves anything less….but I kno they see me crying alot, or staring off in a daze, sad af… & I kno children can FEEL tension, & sadness.
I look in their direction sometimes….& I see the sadness….my sadness, in THOSE beautiful eyes.
My husband comforts me as best he can……but this pain mutilates my mind body & soul…..

M so alone. & Seeing MY deep, sad. & loney emotions in that angelic face, makes me want to start cutting again . Or to jus DIE, bcuz this little person….does not deserve MY pain.
This little person didn’t ask to be here, this little person doesn’t need to look this sad, & if I am gone, she won’t have to anymore.

I guess this weak one (me) is done for 2day.
As much as I crave leaving earth, I’m too weak to go thru with it in the ways that are accessable to me.
Thank U, nite nite