My depression really does a number on me. When I get hit hard, I lose control and I am unable to keep from harming myself. My meds don’t really help anymore. They just allow me to be functional; besides that, they don’t do anything to stop the constant thoughts of suicide I struggle to silence.
There is one person though who I was fortunate to meet right before I executed my plan to step off this world. His radiant light, his patience, his love and care have kept me moving forward. I have been fortunate to help him reach higher levels of happiness and it is the least I can do for him. If I could, I would give him everything he needs to be happy the rest of his life.
There is a dark side to this though. I have fallen for him. And while I do everything I can to ensure his happiness just as he always does so much for me to insure mine, I have a growing resentment with life.
I become so angry that life placed such a beautiful person in my life that I can never have. He is my standard now of what I will be expecting out of someone I might form a relationship with if I manage to keep myself alive. But the reality is that I wish I was the one for him.
Recently history semi-repeated itself with me. In the past, I officiated the wedding of another man I loved. This time I played wingman for my best friend to create the opportunity for him to be happy the rest of his life with a friend that I know will make him happy. I have never seen him this happy, and that made me love him even more.
But with the increasing love, my resentment increases too. Even though I decided a long time ago I would be content just being by his side as a friend, I can’t help feeling angry that I am always in the sidelines helping my friends find love.
I hope something changes for me soon because I am currently on a journey to leave everything taken care of for when I take my own life. I can’t get up anymore from the many times I have been shattered. There is more to this than me not getting to be the one that makes my best friend as happy as he is, but to me, once again being denied something amazing for myself just backs up the idea that life isn’t for me and that my role is to stand in the sidelines waiting for death.
1 comment
So you’ve fallen for your best friends. That must be a difficult place to find yourself. I read your last post and thought about how heartbroken you must have been. But also how strong.