Nowhere left to run

I’ve actually given up. If I was depressed before, I have not the slightest inclination of what to call myself now. I’m just a failure that’s way past self-hatred and just looks in the mirror at a blank slate. All I can do now is sleep, eat, cry, and go on the internet while rebellious tears run down my face. I haven’t gotten out of bed for more than a week now and I’ve gone for longer but there is no hope for me now. How can I possibly keep going? It is so painful to live; I’m so tired of it all, half the time I have no idea what’s going on around me. I was forced to get out of my hovel for a few hours for a family obligation and I can usually suppress everything with a smile and fresh clothes but my walls are wearing down. My mom’s starting to figure out how depressed I really am. She thought I was over that. No mom, I just learned how to be fake happy. yay! But even that’s gone now. Now I’m nothing. If she knew I was suicidal she’d send me to a hospital, she’s said it before. But maybe that’d be fine, I mean I’ve already given up. But I just don’t want help! I want to die! Why can’t the world end already? I’m sick of this shit.