School…and Life in General

  February 2nd, 2018 by can't be helped

I hate school. And life. With a passion.

School is a dreadful place where I’m forced to go everyday and spend 8 hours surrounded by idiots, bigots, and others my age who make me ashamed to be a teen with their antics. It’s a place that, like the rest of society in America, is geared toward the loud and extroverted, so I’m constantly ignored, overlooked, and bullied by all except teachers who even then only pause to admonish me for being quiet and shy, and take off points for class participation because my severe social anxiety does not allow me to speak any louder than a whisper in class or function well in groups. My attempts to reach out and explain my problems to teachers and others like everyone says I should do are either ignored, met with well meaning but utterly useless advice such as “Just focus on you”, “Give it to God” and, my personal favorite “Focus on your education; you’re a very smart girl and you’ll go far in life!” or directly berated or casually brushed aside with phrases like “Well, you don’t look depressed, you’ll be ok”, “Just keep your head up” and “Well, we treat everybody the same here so you’ll have to get over it”. Schoolwork is not actually hard, but I can’t focus or even bring myself to try, and every day that I trudge through with hardly any work done is a constant reminder of my previous A-honor roll and current failing grades. Which makes others disregard me as simply lazy. It’s a place full of misunderstanding, of loudness and crude language, not actually centered around learning at all at the heart of it. It’s a place where a have to plaster on a fake smile and stick to the shadows to avoid being asked questions.

It’s a place that I cant wait to leave.

And home isn’t much better.

I’ve given up on understanding myself and other people. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I feel, or why I feel it. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I don’t know my “triggers” or have any coping skills, and every time I try to talk about it I forget what I’m going to say. I don’t understand people or why they do the things they do; I only know that they are the bane of my existence that I wish would really just go away. I’ve given up on trying to make them understand me, and getting their heads out of their asses so they can stop trivializing and stereotyping mental illness. I’ve given up on explaining why i have certain ticks due to disorders. I’ve given up on trying to advocate for topics that I’m passionate about because I have no passion left. And no one listens anyway.

I wish I would go away. I have a when, most likely sometime after my birthday (which is this month), but I’m still working on a how. I really don’t want to end up in a hospital again, so it’ll have to be a surefire way that’s quick. I won’t really e leaving much behind aside from a mom and 2 sisters that I care about but are ultimately better off without me. Even my mother herself has given up on life. I’m a literal walking ball of pain and uncertainty, and it hurts so much. I have nothing going for me.

I HATE life.

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