There’s no point anymore.

~Disclaimer: Long Post~

Here’s my story.
When I was a kid I used to excel at academic stuff, aced all tests and ,perfect score almost every time,made my parents and grandparents real proud. Unfortunately I had a little accident that forced me to stay in bed for 2 months. Missed school, got left behind in terms of studies, grades hit rock bottom, didn’t want to catch up and study because I’m a lazy lil’ shit.

Fast forward a few years to my high scool days, I’m not the kid I used to be, haven’t done anything to make my grandparents proud. And then I did something really bad and my grandpa scolds me and tells me if it wasn’t for me they (him and my grandma) would’ve been in living in the province, enjoying life, because their obligation to society and to their family was done (having finished putting my mom and her bro through college and shit. They already had a job and doing well and all that. I was still in high school at that time.) So essentially they’re working their asses off because of me, they’re still working hard despite their age just to take care of me. *(Grandma running our small store and him driving a jeepeney for a source of income.)*

Every time I do something I shouldn’t have done or didn’t do something I should’ve done my grandpa never fails to scold me, hurtful words were spat here and there, usually “stupid, worthless, good for nothing” *note: I translared these words from our native language so those weren’t the exact words he has said to me.*

I thought those harsh words didn’t bother me, I usually let it enter from one ear and out the other (Boy, was I wrong)

Fast forward to present time, now living with my mom in a different country (because this country has better opportunities than our native homeland.) Been here for 4 months or so.
Apparently those words affected me more than I thought, looking back now, all those failures, both academically and life in general, is haunting me. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying and then failing, I don’t have the motivation to do things. (Partly because I’m lazy but mostly because I see no point in trying anymore.)

Long story short, I’m in a country where I don’t know anyone except my mom and her bf. I’m heart broken because my girlfriend back home couldn’t cope with LDR and broke up with me (She, btw, was the only reason I was still pushing through life’s challenges for the past year.)

With her gone and my motivation close to none, my failures, insecurities and constant feeling of disappointing my grandpa and my family in general dragging me deeper into this ocean of self pity and hate, I see no point in living.

Now, on to the real reason why I decided to share my story. I’m planning on injecting Tylenol a month from now. (The reason for that specific time frame is I applied for a job so that my mom sees that I’m “trying” to live life and keep pushing forward. She wanted to at least try. Also because maybe life gets better if I give it a chance, idk.) After that said time frame, I’m planning on crushing half a bottle of tylenol pills, dilute them in saline and inject myself with it. Does anyone know how painful this will be and if I fail, and don’t die, what will be the aftermath.

P. S I am aware that acetaminophen isn’t easily water soluble but I will still try.

P. P. S I know it’s against the rules to give/post about suicide methods, so I don’t really expect a reply but no harm done in trying I guess.

P. P. P. S   I don’t know what my mom told my grandpa but he apologized about a month ago and told me he just wanted to raise me to be a better man. Tough love as people would call it. He had a rough time growing up, much worse than my situation. So he wanted me to be a strong person I guess. I accepted his apology but like vase that was broken, no matter how hard you glue the pieces back together, the cracks will always be there to remind you of the time that it broke.

Thanks in advance. And sorry for the long post.
Regards,

DMannn