“If I drive fast enough…the impact will make it quick.” “If I could just drink a little more, I’ll fall right to sleep…” ” If I could just cut a little deeper…” These thoughts used to scare the hell me…but now, they just hang around in my head, like a lingering headache, that you just can’t seem to get rid off. Death now, doesn’t scare me. I don’t care if there’s ‘another life’ after this one or if I just end up as plant food. I just don’t care anymore. I haven’t cared for a very very long time.
…I don’t care if deep inside, I rot away and just completely die inside. I don’t care if I, alone, have to carry this burden for the rest of my life… I will never allow myself to end it all. I just can’t. The thoughts of my parents and siblings, suffering in the aftermath…possibly questioning themselves if they were the reason for what I did…If what I do, changes my sweet little baby sister…
Those are the thoughts that scare the hell out of me…
2 comments
Alcohol does work very well for inducing sleep – I feel is has no side effects worse than sleeping pills. I usually drink one beer and that is enough to help me get some sleep. Any more than one or two beers might be damageable, but still healthier than pills. But not eternal sleep, for now. One beer and your dead asleep. A nights worth of dead sleep helps you forget.
It’s really admirable that you’re thinking about your family and friends so much. That’s great, and what an amazing reason to keep on trucking. And maybe they could also be a good reason for you to try to get help? I know they are for me, since I can’t be a good daughter/friend/significant other or whatever if I’m not able to take care of myself (physically or emotionally). I started off going to therapy because I needed help holding on for them, and now I actually care about myself and want to get better for myself, too.
I really hope you can start caring about yourself, too. You sound caring and loving towards your family, so you already have one great quality right there. I believe you have many more.
Wishing you the best!